The Big Number 2!

Another year has hurried by. Year one filled with obsessive thoughts about getting pregnant right away, then the time being pregnant and of course the process of delivering a healthy baby. Year two has been filled with raising my living children and learning to breathe once more.

But it hurts no less than day one or two or month two or month 18. It hurts the same. I have learned how to carry the pain and the tears come less and less now but I still cry and I still ache. And how I miss.

Happy Birthday Sweet Braedon. You are forever on my mind, forever in my heart and I miss you.

Let's Help Break the Silence!

I have found myself avoiding this place and other Momma blogs lately. The two year mark is looming and this time of year leaves me sad and missing him more than I can handle. I think of his sweet little face and how perfect he was. I will never be able to accept that he his gone. My baby forever he will be.

In this life that I live now, I often find myself hesitant to speak of Braedon, his life, his death and how we have carried on. But he was here and he will always be a part of our family.

People have ignored him. People have avoided eye contact with me when I mention my child that is no longer alive. People have never said a word or said all the wrong words.

It would be so great if I could speak of him freely, if I could explain how much he means to me, how he has changed me. But it is not that simple. So many just cannot understand what it is like to lose a baby in this way. Too many people think that you can just move on and forget. Trust me, you don't forget and you will never forget.

A wonderful movie has been made, painful and real based on a true story. A story of love and loss and how a family lives through the death of a baby. In order to break the silence and help people understand what it means to have a baby born silent this movie needs to be seen. This movie needs to be seen by the millions. The only way to get this movie into theatres is to prove that there is a viewing audience.

So today I ask if you will help to break the silence. Pledge to see Return To Zero. Pledge to bring your family. Help to spread the word. Help to remember these babies who have left us all too soon. 26,000 babies are born still every year and no one wants to talk about it. It is time we start talking. It is time we start understanding that every baby is a miracle.

Click on the link and fill out the form.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform

Slightly bent

It isn't that I was not happy to be a Mother or that I did not enjoy my children but I wanted things a certain way. Toys went in the bedroom, art was hung on the side of the fridge, children's books went in children's rooms.

That is something Braedon gave me. For all the sadness.. something beautiful emerged. He gave me so much more appreciation for the little things. Tonight as I walked into my bathroom, the melting bubbles covered the bathtub and amongst the bubbles lay the cutest rubber duckies. And in that moment my heart floated there in my chest surrounded by the beauty of those bubbles and yellow smiling duckies.

I love the collection of socks that fall from the laundry baskets. Too tiny to fit any feet or so it seems but those socks fit just perfect on one little sweet boys feet. I love to see my children's shoes in the hall closet next to mine. Big brother added little man's shoes the other day and my heart felt overwhelmed by the perfection of it all. That is true beauty.

Family, love, messy kids, overflowing laundry and toys across the floor. Pieces of us all mixed together, a mixed up rainbow of emotions, laughter, heartache and happy plus sad.

I am slow these days to wipe the slobbery kisses off the glass. I know all to well those kisses will not last for long and how very lucky I am to have them at all. I look down when I am at work and see snot on my sleeve from a constant runny nose (little man is a snot factory) and I don't bother to wipe it off. I want to see those little signs of his existence. It is no longer gross to me.

I watched  my 9 year old ride his skateboard down a hill yesterday, it was scary and my heart stopped but it was thrilling and amazing at all at the same time. He was alive in the moment and because of his aliveness so was I.

I miss him every moment with every beat of my heart but I am alive and these children carry me on. Braedon showed me the beauty of life and I am so grateful for that. So very sad but so very happy.

How I wish things had gone a different way but what he left behind was a slightly bent family that seems to still be growing strong.

                               

" Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough

Just a second

We’re not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

It's in the stars

It's been written in the scars on our hearts

We're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again "

                             

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2labnRj0pmE

This song has been playing through my mind lately. The chorus seems to fit so well. 

I will have to Pin that.

So lately I have totally fallen in love with Pinterest. The food pins especially. I could spend hours in the kitchen just trying to recreate some of the recipes. Alas, I am not that productive (work, school, television.....) and find myself drooling upon my keyboard as I peruse the beautifully arranged dishes of decadence.

But of course there is more than food on Pinterest. Sometimes I come across little tidbits such as this and it just seems to fit the moment.



Yep, it goes on. Life that is. That is all I can about that.

It amazes me yet even at this moment how life has gone on. I wonder what life would have been like if things had all turned out differently. 

All You Need Is Love

I stood at the kitchen counter chopping celery and carrots for a much anticipated roast. Days off are a treasure and good food is a must. My husband who also had the day at home, stood close by. We spoke of random nonsense as people who have been together forever do. I told him as we were there in that moment, I could just go on like this forever. Well maybe not forever but for a good long time. Because simple is easy and life is close to easy right now. A roof over our head and dinner in the oven. A job to go to the next day and healthy kids. Bills that need paying work to weigh us down but we manage and that is good enough for now.

*****
This baby, well he is just perfect. As perfect as babies who spit up and have blow outs can be. He loves me. That is all I need to know. He looks up at me in the morning from his crib and I am totally in awe. His aliveness, his moving chest and blinking eyes. Blue eyes, baby blue. His eyes amaze me. Not just because they are his eyes but because I imagine that is what his brother's eyes would have looked like. And my heart swells and tears and rips and heals and breaks day after day.

*****
Can you imagine here we are at another Thanksgiving. A common trend on FB is posting what you are grateful for each day. Seems innocent enough. Of course I am not a joiner to these types of things. Yet I still think today what am I thankful for? Thankful for my two legs that work to move forward each day. Thankful for my sight as I watch the reds, golds and orange leaves fall to the ground. Thankful for my living children and the gift they are to me. Thankful for my missing son who taught me that love at first sight is instant and forever no matter how brief.

*****
I would really love to sit and read. I made a Goodwill run a couple of weeks ago but have yet to crack the spines. Life gets in the way too often these days. Sitting in silence with a book is something that I am working on.

*******

Been working on some prints for the nursery. Work in progress but I think I am slowly getting the hang of it.

Working on a cute way to display a family tree. 

Well because my children appreciate good music ;)

Matches the bedding theme. Thinking about doing an alphabet wall . 

I hope you are all finding something to be thankful for. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXL08IoNKiE

And there goes another one

In the blink of an eye another day goes by.
Halloween Number 2 without you.
No little one toddling along, digging fingers into skin, hiding head behind Momma legs as ghosts and goblins run screaming through the streets for more candy.

The weather is turning chilly here and we are in the start of bundling season. Sweet little sweaters and warm blankets ready for outings. I think of chubby red cheeks and runny little noses. I think of trying to squeeze wiggly arms into thick coats and pushing curled toes into warm boots. Of course those days will come and there is one kid and a baby to still bundle but no giggly little almost 15 month old. No little laughs as I chase him around the room in frustration as he resists the process.

I find myself staring off into space, daydreaming, imagining, wishing and wanting. Longing...
I know what I am missing. I know what could have been, should have been. Missing.

4 months on with a growing baby, sweet little baby boy. But not a replacement for the one who is so missed. Yet he does make the days so much more bearable with his happy little smile, laughing at his big brothers.

I keep coming back to you...

I try so hard to stay away from this place. Maybe it is wrong to fight it. Yet it is what I do. I think this is me and this is just my way. Always has been.

I push it down and smile and play along. My husband tells me it isn't good to hold it in so much. He tells me to cry more. Nope, can't do that hurts too much.

I check in, read and gather the little snippets. I don't read all the way through sometimes, it makes it harder. I can't pretend when it is all so real, here in black font.

While completing some work online, my husband flips the channel. He gets up to go outside leaving it on one station. In between my typing I look up as a man begins to talk. With a strange smirk on his face, he begins to tell the story of how he tied an electrical cord around his son's neck and let him hang. I can't breathe. It hurts, such a pain somewhere between my chest and my stomach. Why? Poor little baby. Why? This man lives and his son is dead. This universe makes no sense.

My little one sleeps, he looks like his big brothers but he looks so much like the one that is missing. That hurts as well. Makes me want to hold him in my arms and never let him leave my sight. But I go to work and I do my job and I move forward. That pain again somewhere between my chest and stomach, coming and going throughout the day.

My Mother is visiting. My mother who held him in her arms, yet somehow she forgets. She continues to mention my 3 sons, leaving him out over and over. I can't scream and shout, it will not solve anything. She just doesn't feel what I feel.

I just want to see him. I want to hold him and know that he is okay. Just for a minute. What I would give for just a moment with him. I wonder about the color of his hair, would it be straight or curly. Would he walking, talking, laughing? Who would he be?