Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Five Long Months

In the beginning it was minutes, then slowly it turned into days. 2 weeks was unbearable, 1 month was Hell. Now where am I at 5 long months gone by?

It is hard to imagine how one can function with an entire piece of your heart missing. How is it possible that my arteries are still pumping blood throughout my body? I imagine losing an arm or leg would feel less painful than this.

I breathe him, I breathe him out.
His name is a soft tickle on my earlobe, the whisper of the wind floating by. I hear it.
I see him in the trees, the clouds, the birds in their nests. I look for him everywhere and I find him. But it is not him. It is my need for him. Wrapped up in my grief and this raw, gut wrenching pain, is this little life. I pull him back from the brink of beyond. Not yet, I whisper... not yet.

You were my future, you are my tomorrow. Will he wait for me? Will he move on to another place? Will I find him again, a perfect little life frozen in time, ready to open his eyes for the first time and see my face?

Daddy looks for him in the bottom of a bottle, but I don't need to go there. I see him even if it is not him. On the dresser, in a box. That is not life but yes it is life. It is all I have. Something to hold onto. I imagine pouring him out into the palm of my hand, so I can feel the texture of him. Something solid, but no I won't do that, that would be a tragedy for my mind. I would fear the loss of the tiniest grain.

Sweet Baby. Sweet Braedon.
For five months I have dreamed of you.
For five months I have cried for you.
For five months I have imagined you.
For five months I have cursed the loss of you.
 For five months I have felt missing, broken, not whole.
For five months, I have wished you were here. 


  1. Time just keeps on moving on, doesn't it. I sometimes wonder why all the clocks didn't stop when my baby died...

    I'm thinking of you and Braedon today. xx

  2. Time moves forward yet in someways we never will.I am always thinking of you and Braedon. xo

  3. I imagine pouring him out into the palm of my hand, so I can feel the texture of him.

    I have nearly poured G's ashes out so many times. I couldn't really articulate why until I read this post. To feel her texture. Yes. Because I miss her so, so much and that is her. Just as, at the same time, it isn't here at all. Only the closest that I have. And yes, I would also fear to lose the tiniest grain.

    I hope we do find them again. I feel as though I have been cut off, mid conversation, with somebody that I really want and need to speak to.

    Remembering your son, Braedon. Dreamt of, cried for, imagined, yearned for, missed, wished for, beloved. xo

  4. Isn't it amazing how we got here...never thought our children would die. Never thought we could live this long without them. Yet here we are. 5 months have passed for us both and the missing doesn't go away. Grief is not linear and it catches us off guard. I am thinking of you and Braden and sending you love.

  5. Oh Paula it's as if you know exactly what I'm thinking, feeling... "it is hard to imagine that one can function with an entire piece of your heart missing".. Yes.. I feel this too, I wonder how it's even possible but it is and we continue to function dont we, one day at a time, one foot in front of each other. I'm so sorry that your Braedon isn't with you. Thinking of you both.