Thursday, February 16, 2012

What am I doing here?

I have a paper to write. Long and boring about a topic I have no interest. But it has to be done. So I ask myself why am I here?

On nights like this, I often browse blogs. I read and reread, try to think of things to say. Sometimes I comment sometimes I don't. I often tell myself leave a note, just a note to say you stopped by. But I feel unworthy. My words weak and not enough.

The stories, the pictures, and the tears. They leave me devestated and sad. Why are we all here? Why? The question there is no answer for.

The husband is at work, the children are in their room. I can hear the video games boring holes into their brains. I allow it. I know I should stop the insanity but they are boys. No school tomorrow. They have a 4 day weekend. So why not? Should I entertain them? At this age, they care so little to do arts and crafts with Mom and of course I am, no really I am, supposed to be writing a term paper.

I felt this way when I was round with Braedon. Tired, disinterested in life. School just a boring distraction. But if I don't finish, what is the point? I dream of this life. I have my office with my Master's hanging on my wall. I tell my children you can do this. I have to set an example. But somedays it is just beyond my grasp. I can write here, I can read others words. But to write a paper, to read a text book. Bahhhh, I no longer want to make this choice.

Hang on, hold your breath for a moment. You can do this. That is my pep talk to me.

I dream of a home in the woods or on a solitary island. I would live off the land under the radar. Off the grid. We would grow our own food, sew clothes from cotton we have picked. We would can fruit and eat raw vegtables. Milk from our own cows. Our children would swim in their underclothes in the water near our house. We would go to sleep listening to the sounds of silence and peace.

But we don't have that option. So here I am distracted from what I should be doing and dreaming of what I can't have. Life is complicated and well sometimes it is just a drag. Yes, I said drag.

I am taking the day off from life on Sunday. I am going to walk in the woods. I don't care if the water is freezing, I will peel my socks off and dip in my toes. It is time for a refresher of sorts. A day of peace and no worries.

I need a day to just be, to miss him and all that he was without interruption. A day for Braedon and Mommy to reconnect. A day to not mourn but celebrate the life that he was for his 9 months inside of me. Away from work, school and video games.

And as I type all of this and think of him, these little kicks inside of me are doing their best to keep me grounded and focused on the here and now.


  1. There are days when I need to browse the was one of them. Made me feel close to other Moms on a day I was feeling down. This SUCKS. You are not alone, xoxo...Katy

  2. I am not good at comments either.
    I still have those this sucks days, I wish we could also move where the world didnt touch us. Your Sunday walk in the woods sounds good, I wish I could do that, maybe after we move I will take a drive and find some nature far from this crazy city that I hate. I still miss my home province. I hope Braedon and Mommy have a good walk. xo

  3. Well Paula, as you know I'm still here, over three years after the fact. Sometimes I just don't have anywhere else to go as there is nobody in real life who would understand why I still want to talk about Georgina, why I still think about her. Don't feel unworthy, I always love receiving comments from you and hearing what you think. And as you know, I'm a fearless and lengthy commenter myself! You can always tell me to go write on my own blog!

    Sometimes I think we feel disinterested, that life is dragging. I know that when I have been pregnant, I found it hard to focus on anything except my babies and I lost my motivation for much in my life. But you CAN do this.

    I dream similar dreams. But I'm stuck here, with video games and work and all the daily frustrations that I can't avoid. I hope you have a lovely time in the woods, I can almost feel my toes tingling at the thought of that freezing water. I hope you find peace and connection, with Braedon and with this little one inside xo

  4. I have absolutely changed since losing Seamus, and I'm still discovering little things, little shifts... Reading this post really highlighted a significant change that I haven't really thought about yet - your desire for a simpler life in some private country retreat. Gosh, yes. Everyone said to me after Seamus died, 'Don't make any life changing decisions' (like moving house) yet I've been antsy ever since. I definitely crave a simpler life, out of London, next to nature.
    I'm not interested in shopping anymore, material things, it's about peace and quality of life. And for me, I feel that's out of the city - somewhere greener... Of course, like you say, life gets in the way (we still need jobs, need to be close to the hospital etc.) so I'm not sure how possible that is...
    Enjoy your Sunday.

  5. Oh, I admire your ambition! Writing papers is a true beast under the best conditions, and babylost and pregnant are not the best conditions.

    I totally get the push for a simpler life. We're moving in that direction, but I worry how much of it is reaction to losing my boy.

    Enjoy your hike and quiet time to yourself.

    love to you and your family

  6. How id love to walk in the woods with you. Away from it all. I think of Camille all the time... But time keeps moving, and I get farther and farther from her. I haven't had as many tears lately, it's not because I miss her less... It just is one of those times. I am sending you love. I know you can get through grad school. My program was 3 years and 147 units!!! Total bear but it is worth it. Keep it up. It's got to be so hard being pregnant and grieving. I have faith in you