I feel so lucky. I can't believe that I have this little guy in my arms. Every moment of every day that has gone by is amazing. The sore nipples, drippy boobs, sleepless nights, flabby belly it is all so perfect. My back hurts and it makes me smile because I did it. I gave birth to a live baby! There is nothing else that matters. I can't turn back the clock. I can't bring his brother back. I wish I could with all that I am. Yet here I am feeling like I have won the biggest race of my life. My guilt over Braedon will never fade. He is my missing link, the piece of me that will never heal. I have my moments where the two become intermingled but I think that is okay. It is what it is. Nothing will change that because I can not have one without the other. Now all I can do is just hope and pray and ask: please stay with me. Because that is my heart's biggest desire.