Day by Day

It is so hard to explain unless you have been where I am at right now. The clock is ticking and the days are moving forward but I am stuck in slow motion. I get up, make breakfast, get the kids to school, do my schoolwork so on and so on. Things are done but I am absent. I feel so distant from my own life. Some days after the kids go to school I just go back to bed. I spend time on FB playing mindless games and sometimes I go to the store. But I am just existing. My kids should be enough to get me motivated but that is not the case. I wait for my husband to get home so desperate to share my daily thoughts and have someone to talk to. I could call my family and friends but honestly right now the only person I want to talk to is Rick. I feel like I am not living anymore. I was supposed to be taking care of a baby right now. I had plans, things to do. Now what?? I am looking for a job since of course I now have no reason to stay home, but no one is calling me. I applied to be a substitute but I guess they are still waiting on my background check to come in because they haven't given me my log in to get jobs. I am truly lost. Lost in my thoughts, empty arms, empty everthing. This is a period of numbness, I really wish I could snap out of it.

My days go by,

melting into each other,

moments of silence and acceptance

moments of anger and disbelief

Where have you gone

do you sit in heaven on a cloud

looking down, wishing you were with me.

I sit looking up

wishing you were with me.

Sweet angel baby

Why did you have to go?

I don't know how to be me without you.

Time marches on...

I haven't written anything in a little while. I guess I am just at a loss for what to say. The days have melted together, some not so great and some mildly bearable. I smile, I laugh and I get by. I have my kids here on Earth to love and my husband, so I have to keep moving.

Some days I feel numb and unsure of where I stand with all of this. I ask myself am I sad because we don't have Braedon or am I sad because we lost the hope for what Braedon would have been. All of the daydreams I had about holding him, seeing him walk for the first time, watching him try his first food. None of that will happen now. I only got to hold him for a short time, but I dreamed about his tomorrow for so long.

My husband met with his boss the other day, the man had come down from out of state and he stopped in to talk to him. He had also lost a child at birth. 30 years ago! He let Rick know that even after all this time, he still thinks of his lost son. That broke my heart. I want to think of Braedon every minute but the thought of carrying this pain for 30 years scares the heck out of me. I can not imagine what that must feel like, seeing your other children grown and living their lives while you are still missing the one who didn't get to stay here on Earth.

I guess we will just have to wait and see how we feel in thirty years. Today right now this moment, I miss him so much.

Dear Braedon,

I am sorry I haven't written in awhile. But I know you can hear me when I pray at night. I hope that you are being held and loved on by our family. Say hi to our Grandparents for us. I am sure they love having a baby to hold again. I think about you all day. Remember sweet baby, one day we will be together again. Till then, I love you with all my heart.

Love,

Mommy