The day my heart broke.

Putting these words on paper, I hope they will help me in some way. This is one of the hardest things to do, is talk about it.

It is raining outside as write this. It seems fitting for rain to be falling. Rain, dark clouds, I feel that is what my heart must look like on the inside. I see the trees out my window heavy with rain, almost as if they too are bowing their heads and weeping for my little angel. As I write this story, know this, I want to write about the raw, gut wrenching pain I feel. I want his memory to stay alive, I need to talk about him. I want people to think of him and remember that life is fleating. Grab onto what you have. Love it, cherish. Don't spend your time, being angry and hating life. Braedon taught me this. Braedon taught me so much in his short life.

Friday July 8, 2011
What an exciting day. Today we go to the doctor. I am hoping he tells me I have made some progress. Rick gets to go with me today. I am glad, this will be his first appointment with the doctor I found here. I have been feeling contractions, and I swear this sounds gross but I feel like I am open down there, as if he might just fall out at anytime. The office we have to go to is on the other side of town, I have never been to this office. I normally see the doctor at his other location close to our place. The office smells awful to me. Rick says he doesn't smell anything. I see such young moms there, they look like they don't have much money. One Mom gives her little one a BugJuice bottle. The baby keeps spitting it up but the Mom keeps shoving it back into her mouth. I think oh my that is not healthy for any baby. Not my business. Finally after an hour we get called back. The heartbeat is good. I am measuring fine, dilated to a 3. The doctor is leaving for vacation. He can't induce me because I am barely going to be 38 weeks. I have to see the doctor who is watching his patients for him. Before we leave we talk about some options. I ask about sweeping my membranes. I have never had this done but I read about it. I really wanted to have the baby before the doctor left on vacation. Plus I was having so many contractions, I thought I was ready. The doctor does the procedure. Oh my gosh, I swear his whole arm went in. I hurt so bad afterwards. Lots of blood and so much pain. Home we go for me to lay down and wait.

Saturday July 9, 2011
Contractions all night but then they just stopped. Arggghhh I am so ready. I love this baby and just want to kiss him all over his tiny little face. Why won't he come out. Hubby stays home with me. I take a bath, I do stuff around the house, I walk, we get intimate. I do all the things that are supposed to help bring on labor. Contractions get stronger. Evening comes around. I figure why not, lets go to L&D and get checked out. A nice nurse gets us all set up. I tell her my doctor is leaving on vacation, I just want to see if I am ready. She puts the heart monitor on, perfect heart beat. Contractions slow down and nothing happened. She mentions how great the baby looks on the monitor. We sit there for about two hours, watching cartoons. Now that I look back on it, I wish I had known more. I remember watching that screen and seeing his heart rate go down to 90 off and on. That should have been a sign. The nurse never noticed it. We go home, another night of no sleep. Come on baby, I can't wait any longer.

Sunday July 10, 2011
Rick went back to work. I am stuck here at home. I go walking again, swimming and try to do some stuff around the house. Come on little one, I know we are close. I am getting very frustrated at this point. My back hurts and I feel so much pain. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. If only I had known, I would have held on tighter and told him how much I loved him. Instead I said, Little Squishy you need to get out, Mommy wants her belly back. I wish I had never said that, words I can never take back.

Monday July 11
Sitting, rocking, walking, anything to get this party started. The doctor is gone but I hesitate to call the new doctor, hoping I will go into labor before I have to see him. I am so ready. The bags are packed and I can't stand waiting anymore. More swimming. The baby has lots of hiccups. I laugh because I think it is so cute. Oh what you find out after the fact. Those hiccups were a sign that something was wrong. How was I to know? I am sorry Braedon, you tried to warn me and I didn't listen.

Tuesday July 12,
Woke up early to call Dr. to set up appointment. The doctors office tells me, sorry we aren't seeing Dr.%$^&&&&'s patients in the office. Of course this upsets me. I tell the lady, I am 38 weeks pregnant and already dilated to a 3. What am I supposed to do? She says go to L&D when you are ready, they will call us. WTF! I have no doctor for the next two weeks to see. I don't want to run to L&D every time I think I might be in labor. I wake Rick up. I am so upset I am shaking. Can you believe this, I tell him? No Doctor. My doctor left me high and dry. He told me I would have a doctor to go to. He lied! Well heck no, I am not going to sit around here and just wait. I call L&D and tell them my story. They say unless you have the symptoms listed on our sheet, no need to come in. I start walking. I have to get these contractions closer together so I can go to get checked. My back is hurting and I feel like he is going to just fall out of me. I keep walking. I dance jokingly with the kids. I bounce up and down some because I read that it might help. I call my Mom while I am at the track. I tell her Mom he is coming out tonight! I can't take it anymore. (Stupid, stupid, stupid me). Rick makes dinner. I am in the kitchen talking to him and Braedon goes crazy in my tummy. He is kicking so hard, it makes me laugh. I have never felt him move like that. (Another warning sign.) I tell him, baby your time is up, come on out. I go lay down for a bit. When I wake up, I am having more cramps. My side is hurting. The kids want to go swimming, so we all go get in the pool. I don't last long, my side hurts more. I come back in and lay down. I start feeling my tummy for my little squishy. He must be sleeping. He is not moving much at all. I swear I can feel his foot against my sternum, I push it, he doesn't push back. Rick comes in and feels my belly also. Neither of us feel any movement. Rick says lets go to the hospital.

On the drive over, I am nervous but I am also thinking I am being silly. He hasn't moved at all but surely he is fine. I tell Rick they will probably send us home. Rick drives faster. We get in and have to do check in at the E.R. I wait in a wheelchair for someone to take me up to L&D. We get settled in the bed and a nurse starts setting us up. She takes forever to find the heartbeat. I hear what sounds like a heartbeat. She reassures me this is our baby. I hate that woman, she gave me hope. The next nurse comes in and states that is your heartbeat, not the baby. She take forever, then in comes the ultrasound. No heartbeat. I am freaking out at this point and Rick is starting to get upset as well. We have to wait for the ultrasound tech to come in and confirm the news. 30 minutes later, we get the final results. Braedon has no heartbeat. For a moment, neither do I. The nurse gives us a few moments, in which we both sit in shock with tears running down our faces. Then the nurse comes back and asks us if want to be induced and the doctor will see us tomorrow. (We did not see a dr until the next morning, 8 hours later). We choose to be induced. Rick calls his sister, I call my Mom and text my best friend the news. Rick's sister hops on a plane. The nurse brings me something to help me sleep. I gladly take it. I think I even smile at her and joke around a little. I don't know how to act. Finally I think I sleep some.

Wednesday July 13, 2011

The morning arrives and they start Pitocin. I get my epidural pretty fast. Rick's sister has flown in and I am so glad to see her face. My Mom is on her way but she took a later flight. Before I know it, it is time to push. Rick holds one leg and my hand, his sister holds the other. A few pushes and out comes this perfect little angel, with the cord wrapped around his neck 2 times and another knot in the cord. They take him away to clean him up. Rick didn't even get to cut the cord. The dr. acts so nonchalant, I hate him with a passion at that moment. He puts his arm on my leg which is still in the stirrup and says, this is just one of those things that happens, the chances of this happening again are pretty slim. He smiled. Can you believe the man smiled at me after he just delivered my dead baby? They clean me up and Braedon is brought back in to us. He is perfect. Beautiful in every way. No blemishes or tears. His skin is so pretty. He looks just like a perfect sleeping angel. The first time I held him, was when my heart broke. It will never heal again.