I spent more time online last night doing research. I plan to post what I found soon. Right now I need to not look at any of that. I have had a pretty okay day. Got up, got dressed. I even managed to put on makeup and do my hair. Today we had to go to the kid's schools and make sure they were ready for the first day. It was good to get out for a bit. I met with the secretary up front at the high school. I mentioned my interest in substituting and she about gave me a hug. She said she could put me to work every day. The school really needs substitutes. So going back to work might be happening soon. I like the idea of working with older kids, I don't think I can handle the elementary right now. The sound of little ones laughing might set me off, and the school would probably decline my services after that. The oldest got all of his classes set up and we met with the band director. Practice starts tomorrow. Wow he has to practice from 8 to 1. After that we spent the day running errands. I found some new picture frames for my little squishy. For a moment today I thought about work and the kids and felt happy. Then I remembered. My heart isn't ready to be happy. I can't stand to see little babies but today they were every where. We had to hit the mall and this sweet newborn baby girl caught my eye. I wanted to run so far away. Such innocence, so pretty, I hope she has a beautiful life. The stores were torment, I saw baby stuff every where. Looking at frames was the hardest. They had beautiful baby frames marked Baby's First Year and so on. I wanted to throw them to the ground and stomp on them. I wanted to break the glass with my hands and feel the pain of my skin breaking open. My baby doesn't get to have a first year, no first tooth, no T-Ball pictures. I want to know why doesn't my baby get any of that. Sometimes I just can't understand why God choose my little one. Why was this part of the plan? At this moment I really hate this freakin plan that included me having to loose my child.
I know you can hear me. I haven't had any dreams in so long. I would really like to meet you in my dreams. I don't want to wait for eternity to see you again.