Thursday, August 11, 2011

Moments of Peace

It has been raining off and on for the past few days. It is nice to have the cool down. It is hot as hell here! This morning I took the dog out for a walk. Or should I say he took me for a walk. Even though he is a small little hair ball that doesn't need a leash, he likes to lead the way. He looks back at you the whole time to make sure that you are still following. He took me for a walk beside the creek behind our apartment. It was nice and cool outside, that kind of early fall temperature that makes you dream of falling leaves and Pumpkin Pie. I am sure that we are no where near fall weather but it was a hint of what was to come. A little breeze was blowing and the creek had a pretty good flow of water going. With the wind blowing and the sound of the water splashing against the ground, I can honestly say I felt a sense of peace. I thought of Braedon at that moment and wondered if this is what Heaven will be like. Like all of those moments of peace rolled into one, day after day of no pain and no hurt. I want to believe that is what it will be like. I don't want fluffy clouds or an endless supply of Chocolate, I just want a quiet place where I can hold my baby, talk with my husband and family members and watch my children as they grow old. (Of course this is me hoping that I will live to a ripe old age of 100 or more)
Yesterday marked 4 weeks since we said goodbye to our little angel. We didn't do anything special, I don't think we are quite ready to make days into celebrations of our loss. One day though I hope we can go out and have special moments planned for his special days.
What we did do though and I have to admit my guilt was pretty strong yesterday, we met with a new doctor. We discussed what happened. She was wonderful. You could see the concern in her eyes. She called him Braedon, never referring to him as a fetus or the baby. I love her already for that. She has four children of her own and I truly think she understood what we were feeling. After a good cry and discussing our concerns, we got down to the guilty part. I asked her when can we try again? Of course she understood and we got set up on a plan. Birth control pills for two months, then we start Clomid. My age and previous history makes my situation a little complicated. I think we have a good plan. She said that we would monitor the next pregnancy closely and she would start having me come in for nonstress tests at 32 weeks, 2 times a week. I hate myself for feeling like this, but for the first time in a month now, I actually felt hope about the future. No one could replace Braedon but I need to hold a baby. I want to be a Mommy again. I want to see Rick be a Daddy again. I want to give our kids a little brother or sister. I know that Braedon will be a great big brother, watching out from above.
Dear Braedon,
I love you so much. I wonder if you are starting to reach for things up in the sky. I wish I could feel your fingers pull my hair for the first time. At one month you are probably looking around and wondering where I am. Just look down, I am looking up. I will always be here for you. Till we meet again. My little squishy, I miss you.

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