Friday, August 12, 2011

I am living on the edge!

Today was not the best nor the worst day. Can you imagine what it is like to just function? Well that is what I am doing. Functioning. I have to be a Mom to my kids, I have to still do school work since I am a full time student online. I still have to make dinner, do laundry and go to the store. Life keeps going and I am moving along with it. I want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out, I want to scream at the sky and yell obscenities at the Lord.
I can't do any of that. I have to tell myself, take your big girl pill and get over yourself. I still have two kids here on Earth that need me. A great husband that makes my heart melt, he deserves a wife that can get out of bed.
So in the process of functioning, I did school shopping for the kids today. Wow, I guess no matter what type of pain you have inside of you, you can't help but be outraged at the price of kid's clothes. At least once I go back to work, I can stop living on the stay at home Mom income of one provider.
Shopping has truly lost it's joy. Which totally sucks! I used to love to shop. Now everywhere I look is baby stuff, Mom's with babies, toddlers trying to explore new places and cute little outfits. I wanted to be one of those Mom's again. Holding a little one in a tummy back back, picking out cute little outfits that will only fit for a week or two. When I got home I did the unthinkable. I packed up Braedon's clothes. I put his sweet little clothes in tubs that are not clear. Of course out of sight, does not mean out of mind. I cried and cried as I folded up his little swim trunks I had picked out. The little terry clothe robe, so sweet and so cute. Little onesies and mittens for his hands. Blankets and more blankets, all put away never to be used. His brother came in and said, the next baby can use these. My heart broke a little more. Of course he is only 7, he doesn't know that no baby could ever wear this stuff. This stuff belongs only to Braedon. It will be there, for me to look at one day and remember with sweet bitterness, the many days I spent shopping for my little angel. One day, I will look at this stuff and know that I no longer need to hold on to it, but not today. Today I still need it, every last piece.
On a side note, I wonder if anyone has ever felt this way. This evening I ran to the grocery store. I was in one of those trances, where after crying great huge tears of pain, my body was exhausted. I bumped into shelves, baskets and almost another shopper. As I was walking out, I thought I wish Rick was a hitter. As crazy as it might sound, I would like to feel any other pain then this. Some other pain that would distract me from this ripping, gnawing tightness in my chest. I wish I could ask him, to just smack me with all his might. Knock me out, let me forget for just a moment...... I take that back I don't want to forget, just to hurt a little less. I guess one day I will look at this post, and thank God that I married a man that would rather wipe my tears, then cause me pain.
Dear Braedon,
I thought about you all day today. I wondered what kind of teenager you would have been. Your big brother is starting high school. I am so proud of the amazing young man he has become. I think you would have been like him. I tried to picture you older, but all I can see is your sweet little angel face. Perfect in every way. I will be looking at the stars for you tonight. I will watch for the one that twinkles brightest. I bet that will be you saying hi.

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