Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The days go by....

I have this ticker at the bottom of my blog. I think I might remove it. I looked at it for so long this morning, wondering what does it really mean. Should we count the days, like marking off the days leading up to some special event? What is our special event we are leading up to?? It has been 1 month and 3 days since we have said goodbye. It has been one month and 3 days since my heart broke. It has been one month and 3 days since my baby was born still. It has been one month and 3 days since we had to decide instead of what he would wear for his first day, but how we would handle his remains. 1 month and 3 days since my husband looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked What happened? I wish I knew the answer to that question. What happened?? Why us? It is so hard to understand why. I hate myself for this but I look at other Moms and I wonder what makes them so special, why do they get to keep their baby?

About two weeks after Braedon was born, we took a trip to visit family and pick up our boys. They had gone to visit with family. I thought they needed that distraction, I wanted them to have a little bit of their summer having fun. I told Rick we will go visit my brother. He will do a good job of distracting us. My brother the wine guy, the one who always has something for you to drink, music playing in the background, a funny story to make you smile. I figured we could use a good laugh and maybe we could get drunk enough to numb the pain.

My brother did just that, he served us drinks as soon as we walked in the door, he gave us hugs and he did such a good job of making Rick smile. I wanted to see him smile again. But then he (my brother) went to get something out of his car and tripped and fell. He twisted his ankle. As he sat with his foot propped up, covered in ice, I realized that he was not okay. My big brother, the jokester, the wine guy, the one who makes everyone laugh, he was not okay. He cried for us! He hugged me and tried to comfort me. My big brother loved his nephew. Even though he was in another state and never saw me pregnant, he still loved his nephew. When I asked if he wanted to see pictures, he got such a sad look on his face. He said, he couldn't handle that right now. He was scared it would be too hard.

I guess that is what this ticker thing on my blog marks, the days in between the beginning and the end. The days where we hurt and the days we cry. It also marks the days that we love and discover the people who love us. The family and friends who will always remember our sweet baby boy. I guess I will keep the ticker for now. Maybe one day I will look at it and think, wow we made it this far, we are still alive and we are that much closer to meeting him again.

Dear Braedon,
All I can say today is I miss you. I miss you, I miss you. My sweet baby boy, how I miss you. I wish I could hold you one more time. I tell your Daddy how much I regret not holding you longer, not kissing your face one more time. Wait for me baby boy, when I get there you have a whole bunch of kisses and hugs coming your way.

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