I haven't written anything in a little while. I guess I am just at a loss for what to say. The days have melted together, some not so great and some mildly bearable. I smile, I laugh and I get by. I have my kids here on Earth to love and my husband, so I have to keep moving.
Some days I feel numb and unsure of where I stand with all of this. I ask myself am I sad because we don't have Braedon or am I sad because we lost the hope for what Braedon would have been. All of the daydreams I had about holding him, seeing him walk for the first time, watching him try his first food. None of that will happen now. I only got to hold him for a short time, but I dreamed about his tomorrow for so long.
My husband met with his boss the other day, the man had come down from out of state and he stopped in to talk to him. He had also lost a child at birth. 30 years ago! He let Rick know that even after all this time, he still thinks of his lost son. That broke my heart. I want to think of Braedon every minute but the thought of carrying this pain for 30 years scares the heck out of me. I can not imagine what that must feel like, seeing your other children grown and living their lives while you are still missing the one who didn't get to stay here on Earth.
I guess we will just have to wait and see how we feel in thirty years. Today right now this moment, I miss him so much.
I am sorry I haven't written in awhile. But I know you can hear me when I pray at night. I hope that you are being held and loved on by our family. Say hi to our Grandparents for us. I am sure they love having a baby to hold again. I think about you all day. Remember sweet baby, one day we will be together again. Till then, I love you with all my heart.