Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Day by Day

It is so hard to explain unless you have been where I am at right now. The clock is ticking and the days are moving forward but I am stuck in slow motion. I get up, make breakfast, get the kids to school, do my schoolwork so on and so on. Things are done but I am absent. I feel so distant from my own life. Some days after the kids go to school I just go back to bed. I spend time on FB playing mindless games and sometimes I go to the store. But I am just existing. My kids should be enough to get me motivated but that is not the case. I wait for my husband to get home so desperate to share my daily thoughts and have someone to talk to. I could call my family and friends but honestly right now the only person I want to talk to is Rick. I feel like I am not living anymore. I was supposed to be taking care of a baby right now. I had plans, things to do. Now what?? I am looking for a job since of course I now have no reason to stay home, but no one is calling me. I applied to be a substitute but I guess they are still waiting on my background check to come in because they haven't given me my log in to get jobs. I am truly lost. Lost in my thoughts, empty arms, empty everthing. This is a period of numbness, I really wish I could snap out of it.
My days go by,
melting into each other,
moments of silence and acceptance
moments of anger and disbelief
Where have you gone
do you sit in heaven on a cloud
looking down, wishing you were with me.
I sit looking up
wishing you were with me.
Sweet angel baby
Why did you have to go?
I don't know how to be me without you.

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