Need some advice from Nursing Mommas

I see a lot of visitors to my site but not a lot of comments. I am glad that there are those who stumble across my blog. I hope it helps in some way reading someone elses story. You can always email me if you need to talk. I often run short on time when reading other blogs and don't get a chance to comment as often as I would like.

I did consider starting another blog about the day to day of being a Mom to my living children and my new little one but between kids, work and school; I have no time for that. Plus I don't know who would want to read more of my dribble. So I hope that I do not hurt anyone by continuing to discuss my journey with living and loving my babies I hold in my arms and the one I hold in my heart.

Today I am asking for those who stop by to leave me a comment. I need a little advice from any Mommas who are currently nursing, nursed in the past or had a chance to pump and donate their milk. For any other BLMs out there, my heart breaks if you have yet to have this chance and my thoughts go out to you in hopes that your turn is right around the corner.

Even though this is not my first time nursing, it has been several years and my situation is a bit different now.
I am looking for reviews on a few things: good quality nursing tops at a low price, nursing pumps and nursing bras.

Honestly I do not care for anything out on the market that I have found. Several stores now carry nursing tops and the prices are okay but still a bit high. Targets line of nursing tops are just not my style. Some of the camis I have found at other stores are the kind that stick to your skin and with 110 degree days here, I want items that do not encourage sweat. I have looked online but without actually seeing them in person, I hesitate to purchase anything. I am also having a major issue with nursing bras, I have 6 different brands that are all uncomfortable. So what is your favorite?

I am also interested in what breast pump you are using? I will be returning to work soon and my Avent Isis Manual pump is not going to do the trick even though I love it for at home.

So leave me a note, what is your suggestion.

Shock Therapy

As I travel this road of becoming a functioning human being again, I keep thinking as much as I love him would it be so bad to have my memory erased. You know like the old saying, "You can't miss what you didn't know you had"... or something like that.

I think it would go something like this just like in the movies and books.

The screen would be grainy with the occasional sguiggly lines jumping across. Black and white no color.
Swish swhish would be the sound of my hospital shoes as they half dragged me, half supported me down the corridor. My head would sway on my shoulders back and forth, too heavy to carry from all the happy little pills they kept giving me to swallow.
The lab coats would be fitted and buttoned up high, black gloves all the way to the elbows. Nurses would be standing by in sexy little short skirts and little caps that sit above their perfectly coifed hairdos.
"We are ready for you doctor", one would say sweetly.
They would strap me down with my arms out in the shape of a cross. I would gag as they forced the wooden piece between my lips, to keep me from biting my tongue they would whisper as they brushed my limp hair back from my forehead. Little sticky pads would be placed all over my skin and forehead.
They would tell me we are going to help erase all those memories. I won't be able to argue with my mouth full.
I won't be able to tell them, you will have to go back too far. I won't be able to say, you have to take the memories from the very start.
I won't be able to tell them, go back to the very first thought, the day that I told my husband I was ready to try again. They won't know that I need them to erase so much. I won't be able to tell them, I loved him for so long. I wanted him before he was ever conceived.
When the treatment is complete and my skin is on fire, and my mouth is dry and my teeth hurt from biting, they will ask do you know where you are? and I will say, "well I must be in hell, because I have never felt pain like this before".
They will let me know I will require many more treatments.

Day by Day

It is so hard to explain unless you have been where I am at right now. The clock is ticking and the days are moving forward but I am stuck in slow motion. I get up, make breakfast, get the kids to school, do my schoolwork so on and so on. Things are done but I am absent. I feel so distant from my own life. Some days after the kids go to school I just go back to bed. I spend time on FB playing mindless games and sometimes I go to the store. But I am just existing. My kids should be enough to get me motivated but that is not the case. I wait for my husband to get home so desperate to share my daily thoughts and have someone to talk to. I could call my family and friends but honestly right now the only person I want to talk to is Rick. I feel like I am not living anymore. I was supposed to be taking care of a baby right now. I had plans, things to do. Now what?? I am looking for a job since of course I now have no reason to stay home, but no one is calling me. I applied to be a substitute but I guess they are still waiting on my background check to come in because they haven't given me my log in to get jobs. I am truly lost. Lost in my thoughts, empty arms, empty everthing. This is a period of numbness, I really wish I could snap out of it.

My days go by,

melting into each other,

moments of silence and acceptance

moments of anger and disbelief

Where have you gone

do you sit in heaven on a cloud

looking down, wishing you were with me.

I sit looking up

wishing you were with me.

Sweet angel baby

Why did you have to go?

I don't know how to be me without you.

Time marches on...

I haven't written anything in a little while. I guess I am just at a loss for what to say. The days have melted together, some not so great and some mildly bearable. I smile, I laugh and I get by. I have my kids here on Earth to love and my husband, so I have to keep moving.

Some days I feel numb and unsure of where I stand with all of this. I ask myself am I sad because we don't have Braedon or am I sad because we lost the hope for what Braedon would have been. All of the daydreams I had about holding him, seeing him walk for the first time, watching him try his first food. None of that will happen now. I only got to hold him for a short time, but I dreamed about his tomorrow for so long.

My husband met with his boss the other day, the man had come down from out of state and he stopped in to talk to him. He had also lost a child at birth. 30 years ago! He let Rick know that even after all this time, he still thinks of his lost son. That broke my heart. I want to think of Braedon every minute but the thought of carrying this pain for 30 years scares the heck out of me. I can not imagine what that must feel like, seeing your other children grown and living their lives while you are still missing the one who didn't get to stay here on Earth.

I guess we will just have to wait and see how we feel in thirty years. Today right now this moment, I miss him so much.

Dear Braedon,

I am sorry I haven't written in awhile. But I know you can hear me when I pray at night. I hope that you are being held and loved on by our family. Say hi to our Grandparents for us. I am sure they love having a baby to hold again. I think about you all day. Remember sweet baby, one day we will be together again. Till then, I love you with all my heart.

Love,

Mommy