Friday, October 7, 2011

Shock Therapy

As I travel this road of becoming a functioning human being again, I keep thinking as much as I love him would it be so bad to have my memory erased. You know like the old saying, "You can't miss what you didn't know you had"... or something like that.

I think it would go something like this just like in the movies and books.

The screen would be grainy with the occasional sguiggly lines jumping across. Black and white no color.
Swish swhish would be the sound of my hospital shoes as they half dragged me, half supported me down the corridor. My head would sway on my shoulders back and forth, too heavy to carry from all the happy little pills they kept giving me to swallow.
The lab coats would be fitted and buttoned up high, black gloves all the way to the elbows. Nurses would be standing by in sexy little short skirts and little caps that sit above their perfectly coifed hairdos.
"We are ready for you doctor", one would say sweetly.
They would strap me down with my arms out in the shape of a cross. I would gag as they forced the wooden piece between my lips, to keep me from biting my tongue they would whisper as they brushed my limp hair back from my forehead. Little sticky pads would be placed all over my skin and forehead.
They would tell me we are going to help erase all those memories. I won't be able to argue with my mouth full.
I won't be able to tell them, you will have to go back too far. I won't be able to say, you have to take the memories from the very start.
I won't be able to tell them, go back to the very first thought, the day that I told my husband I was ready to try again. They won't know that I need them to erase so much. I won't be able to tell them, I loved him for so long. I wanted him before he was ever conceived.
When the treatment is complete and my skin is on fire, and my mouth is dry and my teeth hurt from biting, they will ask do you know where you are? and I will say, "well I must be in hell, because I have never felt pain like this before".
They will let me know I will require many more treatments.


  1. As much as it hurts your right it is good to know that absolutely nothing could ever erase them from our hearts. That would be far worse.

  2. Oh Michelle,

    You are so right. I have said this to my husband in regards to Braedon, I would rather have had a moment then to never have had him at all. Yet, somedays when it hurts the worse it is hard not to want a way to forget.

  3. Yuck. Yeah. I've thought that too. I didn't miss her before she existed. Now my life is crushed and my heart in a thousand pieces because she doesn't. I feel bad thinking sometimes I wish I had never gotten pregnant. But Camille brought me so much joy while I was pregnant with her. How could I want to erase that? But still...but still. It hurts so much. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind sounds appealing. Hugs