Saturday, September 24, 2011

Biting my nails and wishing I could stop.

So here I am waiting for my son to get home from a band competition. It is almost 1 a.m. and I am totally freaked out. Now I have always been a bit overportective and cautious when it comes to the kids. I don't let them go to strangers houses and I know all of their friends and their parents. I am picky about what they eat, who they hang out with, what they wear and so on. I have been told I need to ease up.
Oh but now, well heck I think I have gone off the deep end. Everything they do scares the heck out of me. Death is a real live scary thing that sits on your back and whispers horrible thoughts in your ear. I can feel the claws sink into my shoulder blades everytime these kids are away from me. I want to fight it off but it is just so hard. I worry that I might lose them. My fear is so strong it consumes me.
Losing Braedon has taught me that we never know what will happen next. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. I know that this will pass in time but right now, I chew my nails, I get sick to my stomach and I am 100% scared of just letting them live. It is not easy telling a teenager who has just entered high school that they have to be home by 8 and they can't go anywhere without their Mom. Snapping teenage angst full of fury is not pretty!
I can't help but wonder how I would have been if Braedon was here. Our little perfect angel has changed me in so many ways. I have been doing a lot of research on grief, I guess I need to find information about how fear plays into grief.
My little squishy, I miss you so much.

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