Wednesday, October 12, 2011

For my son, one day when you are ready I will let you read.

 (You were only 8 in this photo, it is one of my favorites)
I remember the day they told me you were going to be born. I cried great, big snotty nose tears not of joy but of fear. I was so very scared of this new responsibility that you would bring to me. I was not ready. I was just a kid. You might argue that, because I know you have friends whose Moms were still in high school and you think well Mom you were in college so you weren't that young, but oh I was so very young. So naive and so unaware of how to be a grownup. I played make believe living on my own for awhile but when your Father and I hit the wall of real life, I ran to your Nanny. She took me in and let me live with her again as an adult.
I spent the first few months of my pregnancy with you basically hiding, a bit ashamed especially because at the time people really did think I was only fifteen and I had no ring on my finger. Now fourteen years later, I realize that I was just being silly and feeling self pity.
I stayed locked in my room, sick most of time. Because you my darling son made me oh so sick. I look at you now taller than your Dad and I realize that the nutrients you took from me are the reason that you are so healthy and I don't mind that I was sick at all. But oh when I was pregnant with you, I cursed the morning, afternoons and nights as I lay with my head in a pillow and a trashcan by my bedside.
I remember when you were born so perfect and sweet. Like a little doll, I must have put you in about a million outfits, nothing perfect enough for my first born. Your Dad was there to so proud of his new son and well we were in love all over again and all past hurts were forgotten. Then they took you away and said you were sick and we cried and we prayed and my fear was greater than anything I had ever known. You had needles in your arms and one in your head. And I wanted it all to go away and for you to be healthy. But after a few days you were and we got to take you, never really knowing why you had become sick or what was wrong.
You ate like a champ, I swear I couldn't put you down, your favorite spot against my breast, I thought at the time you really were going to drain the life out of me.
Your Dad and I laughed when you made silly faces and when you splashed us the first few times we tried to change your diaper.
Then to the doctor and back to the hospital. Not so bad just jaundice but for a new Mom it was torture.
Time went on and you grew and grew. I loved to kiss the back of your neck, to rub the soft spot between your eyes till you fell asleep.
Oh my son how you amazed me as you grew. When you were still in diapers you would spin and spin and spin with your arms out wide. So happy and loving life and you took my breath away with your pure awesomeness.
Tomorrow you will go away on a trip for school to another state, you will be away for four days. While we have spent time apart when you visit family this is the first time you have made such a journey.
I remember seeing your face when your Dad brought you to the hospital after Braedon had passed. You had been crying and it broke my heart. For I never wanted you to feel any kind of pain. And I remember on your birthday asking you what you would like as a gift, just three days after we lost your brother and you picked out a set of dog tags to have his name engraved on. I was never more proud of the person you are. You amazed me with your compassion and your love for this little soul that you had never met.
I am so scared to let you go and afraid of what might happen but I am so glad that I was choosen to be the one to watch you spread your wings and fly.
You may never know the love I feel for you or the reason that I sometimes squeeze a little tighter or just want to hold your hand. Thats okay you don't have to understand.
I just wanted to tell you that when you are away a piece of me is missing.
I love you so much and I cherish the moments we still have before you make your way out into the world as an adult.
One day you will become a Dad and you will feel this fear and overwhelming love and then maybe just then you will understand a little better why that day you climbed on the bus to take your first ever trip with school, I cried.

Dear Braedon,
Keep an eye on your big brother, he loves you and talks of you often. He would have made you laugh and you would have adored him.
Keep him safe for me.

1 comment:

  1. Two beautiful letters to your boys. You must have been scared, so young and not ready. I still felt scared when I became a mom and I was an ancient 29! I love your description of your oldest, pure awesomeness, I feel that way about all my children.

    The choice of birthday present made tears spring to my eyes, what a precious soul your son is. It must have been absolutely heartbreaking to see your boy go through the experience of losing his brother.