Thursday, October 20, 2011


Is that even the way to spell it, tattoo?? Well I just looked it up and it shows it that way so I guess I got it right.

But anyways I think I really want one, I think I do? I don't have any, never got up the nerve to go get one. But I want one, again I think.

What would it be his name, an image of his footprints, the date his birth/death? What is sufficient? Nothing really seems right but you know I want something.

A way to bring him closer to me or should I say even closer because I don't know how much closer he can get since he is always on my mind. So can I be wild enough to do this thing, put ink into my skin forever? I mean here I go again all nutty and two headed, not sure what is the right decision on anything.

But really I think I am going to get a tattoo. So an image of his face? But then in some many of the pictures you just can't see how beautiful he was. Or maybe he was just that beautiful to me and the pictures show the truth, the spotty skin and the areas where his flesh didn't quite fill out right. But God when I look at those pictures I think that is beauty right there and I should memorialize that on my skin somehow. On my shoulder, my foot, the inside of my wrist.

I watched an episode of L.A. Ink on TLC and there was one where a young woman had suffered some mental health issues. She had attempted suicide and cut her wrists. Her goal was to show that she had moved past that point and had become strong. So she had a beautiful flower tattooed right over her scars.

That is what I am thinking, like maybe if I get a tattoo on the inside of my wrist, it will show that I have come out of this stronger and maybe a better person. But then in my next thought:  What, why would I want to find something out of this that makes me stronger? Crazy two heads smacking each other around. I swear sometimes I wish I could just rip one of them off and consume it with relish like chocolate cake. Maybe it would make me feel whole and not so divided in my thoughts.

So because I am crazy I am already moving on to my next thought. Is it wrong to buy a Halloween costume for your baby who will never be able to wear it? I wanted him to be a chubby little pumpkin. I imagine buying him a costume and setting it on top of his box of ashes. Is that just too freaky or is that normal?
Let me discuss this over with my two heads.


  1. Totally normal to be crazy. I still carry Jack's urn around with me and wrap it in blankets and put it to bed in the bassinette. Do whatever makes you feel better. My hubby got a tatto there are pics on my blog if you want to check it out and get some ideas. I cant get one yet due to a bleeding problem, I would like to be sure as well where I want to put it.

  2. Oh Michelle,
    Every time I go to your blog, I just fall in love all over again with your Jack. He has one of those faces that is just so cute you want to eat him up. He looks like he was such a happy guy, free spirited and almost impish. Like he would have been the kid that would have pulled pranks on you, laughed and gave you a kiss to make up for it.
    I love the tattoos your husband got. My husband has been wanting to get one as well. I think maybe that will be our Christmas presents to eachother. If you weren't in Canada and I wasn't in the U.S. and you were able to get a tattoo, I would say come on lets go right now.

  3. Paula, I think a tattoo is a wonderful way to memorialize Braedon. I sometimes think that I want one too and maybe one day when I decide on what I would like I will end up getting it. If and when you get one I would love to see it.

  4. Brianna,

    So funny I was leaving a comment on your blog at I believe close to the same time you were visiting mine.
    If I get one which I really think I am going to, I will for sure post some pictures.
    You guys are the best, I love reading your comments.