Monday, October 17, 2011

The two heads I wear.

I feel sometimes like I have become a part of some classically written novel that we all read in high school English.

Today I am stuck on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, for that seems to define my mood the most.
I have always had moments of self reflection, contemplating the whole idea of Sybil and her multiple personalities, going over the whole Gemini astrological belief that those born of this sign are split, fighting within their own soul. For don't we all have two halves, our right brain moving in perfect harmony with our left until a synapses shocks the two halves into negative and positive opposing forces.

Before this is me 7 months pregnant with my little squishy, packing to move to another state for my husband's job transfer, blisfully unaware of what was to come.


Some days I am absent from my own life, I believe fully controlled by my right brain all quivering emotions, sobbing over nothing of importance in view of the long term but of the greatest importance at the moment. I find myself like a glob of gelatin, forming a puddle in the corner of my couch, biting my nails and unable to find my self control and even feeling like I have lost my self worth. Unconfident in who I am, who I was and who I am becoming. This is when I find myself unable to accomplish even the smallest of tasks, the chores pile up and life becomes unable to deal with.
"I was slowly losing hold of my original and better self, and becoming slowly incorporated with my second and worse." (Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde).

But then as if the sun has risen over the clouds and once again the Robin sings his sweet melody, I am reborn present in my life. I feel in control and purposeful. I get things suddenly accomplished. I tackle the laundry like a General at War with his neighboring country. I read bedtimes stories with gusto, make sure dinner is superb and even manage to wear makeup. In these moments I am accepting and almost understanding. Maybe feeling intellectual about the whole process: Braedon must have had something wrong with him, he was not meant to be, this is all just a part of life. I suck it up and run forward with my sword drawn in defiance of all that stands before me. The great warrior no fear barring the way.

But then in the breath of a moment, something as simple as a complicated task takes me down all over again. There I am once more, that person on the couch, eyes crazed and hair in knots.

Who have I become, who was I and who do I want to be?? And of course the biggest question of all, why my baby? Why did this happen to me?

Today I am lost, maybe tomorrow I will find myself once more. For really I must be here somewhere, in this place that I fill. I must be more then just the liquid form of matter taking on the shape of this container.


  1. I find myself asking those very same questions everyday. I get very easily frustrated now when I do multiple tasks and it is harder to learn new things and face the world.

  2. I've certainly felt like that glob of gelatin, many, many times over the past three years. Certainly hear you on the loss of confidence and sometimes even the smallest of tasks seems overwhelming. Less so these days though.

    It's strange isn't it? That ability to intellectualise everything and feel very cold and fine with it all, then suddenly sideswiped back to total despair.

    That big question is one that still haunts me - why did this happen? To me and to her? I suppose the only answer that I've found so far is bad luck, which isn't a very satisfactory one.

    Hope you find yourself more and more frequently xo