Wednesday, November 16, 2011

In the air I breathe.

The pool sits empty of bodies. Just dirty leaves floating. Sometimes the shadow of the trees create patterns of movement across the water. I suppose it is a strange comparison but the pool is an echo to me. Words, sounds, movements of past echoing through the wind. I hear it. It pulls me backwards. Dragging me under. As if I was below in the murky waters trying to get a glimpse of what is hovering just above.

I remember as a child fearing the water, afraid of the fist of death right below my toes. My lungs couldn't quite expand enough. I was like a fish out of water but ironically in the water, gasping, open mouth, chest rapidly moving up and down. I spent my time clinging to the cement sides, digging my toes into the wall in fear of slipping away. Then one day my fear just left me. I was a fish, gliding through the cool clear water, trying to pretend like I knew some type of magical mermaid dances.

I wanted my children to love the water, I wanted them to be fish and to feel the joy of the water running across their skin. To know the excitement of that first summer swim after a long cold winter.

I swam with Braedon when he was growing inside of me. I sat with my big belly before me enjoying the warmth on my skin. I played dead man floating because it was comfortable to be in the water like that. I laughed with my children as they showed me their backflips and performed handstands underwater.

I bought Braedon a little swimsuit and a coverup. I thought when he was big enough I would buy him a little floatie. I would teach him to be a fish. To float on his back, close his eyes and let the water carry him with its waves.

The pool sits empty now, to cold for anyone to enjoy. I see it when I walk outside, when I walk to the mailbox. It beckons me into it's waters. I hear it echo of memories that may never fade.


  1. Beautiful post. We all have something that echoes those memmories to us. The ones we wont ever get to relive.xo

  2. I'm glad you got those moments with Braedon, floating in the water together.
    It must be hard, to see it so sad and empty now. xx