Friday, November 4, 2011

Two steps forward, five steps back.

It comes in waves. I grew up next to the ocean. I was never a sunbather nor a surfer. It was just not my thing but I am connected to that place.

I loved the Ocean when it was stormy, when the waves were ferocious in their beauty. I loved the late night walks when the ocean was lit up like neon and the wind whipped your hair around your face. I miss it, I want to go home right now. I want to walk on the sand, barefoot in the moonlight. I want to feel the shells dig into my toes and smell the salt air and taste it with my tongue.

I thought I was doing pretty good, I felt almost like I had started to find a place where I could be more accepting of this. I felt proud of myself, thinking that it was almost an accomplishment. What an idiot I can be.

I miss the ocean and the way the waves mesmerize you. That is my grief right now, coming in waves, tickling my toes and pulling me in. I am drowning in it right now. The current has picked up once more and I failed to heed the undertow warnings.

And what is worse is I miss my Mom. I really want my Mom and she is too far away and I can't take a vacation right now.

Oh heck there is no other way to say it, I am just sad, so very, very sad and I feel it with every breath I take.


  1. I really wish Braedon was with you and you didnt have to feel this way. I wish there is something I could say to make it better but I still feel that way. Some days the sadness isnt as bad though - as you said like waves of the ocean. xo

  2. Oh Paula. I wanted my mom too and I was lucky enough that she was close at hand. Something about this experience just made me need my mom in a way that I hadn't for years.

    It is like the ocean, it pulls and pushes at you and you just never know when that rip tide, that undertow will come along. You aren't an idiot, not at all. It's a tricksy thing, this grief. Just when you think you've got it down, it changes and bites you again. Still doing it to me and I've been here a while now.

    And some days, yes even now, I'm just still so very, very sad.

    I'm so sorry you are without your Braedon.

  3. Paula, we live by the ocean and my husband is from OKC, we lived there too, and there IS something about the water that moves you, comforts you, but after my Henry died I just didnt go there anymore (well, I didnt go ANYWHERE really). Perhaps I should go there for solace. I am so sorry about Braedon, so very very sorry.

  4. I'm sorry you feel so blue at the moment... some days it just gets you doesn't it - right in the heart. I don't imagine the sadness will ever leave us. I know the anger, the jealously, the demotivation, all of that is supposed to subside over time (or so I've read) but the pain and the sadness will always be there. But somehow, somehow, at some point in the future, the happiness is supposed to creep back in along side it. I look forward to that day for us. xx