Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween To Love or To Hate?

My darling boy decided yesterday that his choice of a Vampire was not to his liking and he instead would like to go as a Ninja.

 Crazy kid with his crazy teeth all growing in!

Boys, what can you say. They are special. Soft and cuddly, hard and sweaty. Dirty and messy. Sweet and yummy. My favorite desert is Pumpkin Pie and that is what I call him. He is my Pumpkin Pie and occasionally my little Monkey. I love being the Mother to my boys. They have brought something so special to my life, things that I never knew I could feel. I didn't know that I would want to see my children swing from trees and jump in puddles. But I love those moments, I love how these boys of mine are brave and don't mind doing all of the rough and tumble stuff that as a little girl I thought to wild and messy.

So we spent the day on Sunday, trying to locate a Ninja costume. What an ordeal. Talk about Black Friday madness. Arms a swinging, parents swearing and children crying at the limited choices.

Poor Colin, there was not a costume to be found. His little heart was broken. Of course my husband and I did the whole reasoning thing. "You made your choice already and that is what you have to stick with". These words are of no comfort to a 7 year old (almost 8 he keeps telling me).

So after work today, I couldn't help it. I just kept seeing his little face, sad and down trodden. How can I cause such a sweet little Pumpkin Pie any unhappiness? I picked him up and off we went. We found a Ninja costume, just a cheap one only $14 and way to big. But I figured I would cut it down and happiness would abound. It worked and he was happy.

But I couldn't do it. I was tired and I was sad. I asked my oldest if he would be so kind as to walk his brother around the area. Watch out for him, I said. Then his Dad took him out for some more fun, while I sat on the couch working on some homework. (I am so tired of school, finding it so hard to even want to go anymore).

I couldn't do it because I was tired, my back hurt, my energy level was tooo low....yadda. yadda, yadda.

No really I couldn't do it because of the little boy that was missing. He was going to be a Pumpkin. I had it all planned. He was going to be a sweet, round, yummy pumpkin full of baby goodness and sweet baby smells.

I love Halloween. I love dressing up and seeing my children dress up. I enjoy all the kids running around and the excitement in the air. But this year I hate it. This year, there is no joy in Halloween. There is no fun sorting the candy and laughing about all that will be thrown away after a week of Mom saying no to another piece before bedtime.

Halloween is to be a celebration, a festival of the dead. A time to remember the ones who have gone before us. A chance to send offerings to those we miss.

Halloween represents that end of summer, usually the first crisp Fall weather is in the air. After Halloween many of us have to start to pull out the jackets and prepare for the coming change.

For me now Halloween represents what has been lost, the empty space in our family. The lost chance of seeing a little one totter up to the door. The memories left unfilled, hanging in the air as if in a question of what has happened to what was meant to be?

The colors of Halloween black and orange. Black again to represent death, orange to represent pumpkins. Can you see the connection here? My littlest pumpkin is sitting in the black. Not alive to enjoy the laughter or to taste the first gooey goodness of a sweet treat.

No pumpkins shall he carve, no doors shall he knock upon. The pranks he would have pulled will remain floating on the wind, never to be received by the unsuspecting person. There will be no screams of unfairness of having to go to bed so early on such a glorious night.

So I bid you farewell my favorite Holiday. I am glad to see you go. Today I discovered I hate you!

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then--in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life--was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
(Edgar Allen Poe)


  1. All of these occasions, these landmarks, these exciting festivities... they're all now changed for us. I wonder if they'll always be so sad, so lacking, so wrong. I imagine so, because I don't think we'll ever stop missing our boys, or stop reeling at all they've missed out on.

  2. Wry smile at your final lines. After my daughter died, I discovered that I hated Christmas. I don't hate it in quite the same way now but I'll never love it as I once did.

    Wish your littlest pumpkin had been here to celebrate with his ninja brother and the rest of his family who love him so xo

  3. Yes that lack of love for hollidays is definantly gone. I love that poem. I used to love Halloween soooo much and this year it just felt lonely and empty. The fundraisor was for Jack, I know Halloween would have been his favourite too but it was gut wrenching and very hard for me to do. I wish you could have celebrated your Halloween with Braedon, he would have been the cutest little pumpkin. Thank you so much for your donation, it really means alot to me. :)