Today has been hard, thoughts of what should have been and how this time last year we were already so excited at the joy of a new baby this year. Their first Christmas is always special. Luckily the boys kept us motivated and I was able to keep my smile on for them. But once they were distracted with their new stuff, I slept. That was the best way to deal with this day. Just sleep and hope it will be over soon. I am taking some time away from here. I need to focus on the right now. I can tell my children are starting to react to my behavior. It makes me sadder to know that I am not doing my best by them. So my goal for this coming year is to refocus on these boys who are here and breathing. I know that this is going to be hard but I am making a deal with myself to try to spend some time getting them both back on normal mode. Such a stupid thing to say, what is normal anymore? But with the oldest doing poorly in school and the youngest crying over every little thing that upsets him, obviously something has to give. I don't know how I can return to the Mother that they both need.
I was sending messages back and forth with a friend earlier. She asks how am I? I respond sad. I am sad. Today is sad and it is just all wrong. Not how Christmas is supposed to be. And I just don't know how I can explain it to anyone. I will never get over this, I will not forget him. I have been thinking about this whole word Stillborn. A baby born not alive, asleep. But the more I think about that word, the more it pisses me off. My baby died, I held him in my arms. I kissed his lips and touched his skin. I saw his feet and his chest. He was not a baby that I did not know, he was my son. And here a bit over 5 months later, I mourn him just like yesterday. Today should have been his first Christmas. Instead I lit a candle by his box of ashes and put a present under his tree. I miss him. I just miss him so much. But I have these two wonderful boys, who need me and I need to give them the part of me that is still alive.
I really do mean this, Merry Christmas to all. I hope that everyone was able to find some peace and joy on this day.
I was sending messages back and forth with a friend earlier. She asks how am I? I respond sad. I am sad. Today is sad and it is just all wrong. Not how Christmas is supposed to be. And I just don't know how I can explain it to anyone. I will never get over this, I will not forget him. I have been thinking about this whole word Stillborn. A baby born not alive, asleep. But the more I think about that word, the more it pisses me off. My baby died, I held him in my arms. I kissed his lips and touched his skin. I saw his feet and his chest. He was not a baby that I did not know, he was my son. And here a bit over 5 months later, I mourn him just like yesterday. Today should have been his first Christmas. Instead I lit a candle by his box of ashes and put a present under his tree. I miss him. I just miss him so much. But I have these two wonderful boys, who need me and I need to give them the part of me that is still alive.
I really do mean this, Merry Christmas to all. I hope that everyone was able to find some peace and joy on this day.
It must be so difficult to battle through for the sake of your living boys whilst carrying the pain of missing Braedon as well. At least, when I'm at home and I feel sad, I can just let it out... I imagine you must be pretty strong to keep going as you do.
ReplyDeleteChristmas is just poignant. So many dreams that just didn't come true. We are reminded by every card, and every advert that it always about the perfect family... So what are we supposed to do when there will always be one missing? Always that gap? That empty seat at the table?
I hope the coming days are gentle on you. xx
It was a hard day, but we are both still here. I hope you can take some comfort in your boys. I'll be thinking of Braedon and wishing you some happiness in the new year.xo
ReplyDeleteThanks for thinking of me Paula, I am kind of hideing out too, not posting as much lately. I have my next fertility apt to find out some results and hopefully get clomid or something on Jan 16. I'll give everybody an update. I am thinking of you, your family and Braedon as well and hoping things are going ok.xo
ReplyDeleteI hope that the holidays weren't too much for you. Ours is a new normal isn't it... nothing is the same anymore.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a peaceful start to the year as you miss your precious Braedon.