Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A fire that burns.

Sweet Braedon,

There is a flame that burns inside of me, around me, beside me.
It started the day you were born/died. It started the moment I saw your face. Your beautiful little face. I knew you. I wanted you. I loved you.
Sometimes I light the candle by your box. A fire for you to see. When the flame sputters to its end, I fall a little. This fire it represents something. What? I don't know how to put it into words.
I'm burnt, forever scarred. No third degrees burns could cause this much pain. Is there such a thing as fourth, fifth degree?
Scorched, a black mark upon my heart, my soul, my being.
Is it possible that the inhalation of smoke was real, is that why my lungs no longer expand quite right? Does this explain those breathless moments throughout the day?
For six long months I have sat blistered, raw, my soul oozing with my pain.
I think it is time to apply some form of a poultice. Now life must begin anew. You have brought me a gift and I must find a way to heal. Forever scarred but scars fade, don't they? No I really don't think this one will fade.

I'm scared. I am scared, scarred, shaking, uncertain. Do I look towards tomorrow, do I hold on to yesterday? What if I start to hope and it all goes wrong? What if I am burned yet again and this time I can't recover?


  1. That is a very good analogy of how we feel, I ask myself those very same questions. xo

  2. Oh it is so scary. The phrase 'the burned child fears the fire' is ringing in my ears after reading your post. But we just have to hope I think. Because it is all we can do, hope and love. And find that balance, between looking forward and holding on to the past.
    I'm so sorry, I wish that there had been no burning, no scarring. Remembering your precious Braedon and hoping for the gift that he gave you x

  3. I hear you! What a beautiful piece. I feel charred and raw too. I'm trying to be hopeful. Most of the time I think I am until I'm set back into the desperation of missing and anguish and feeling not so hopeful. I hope for hope. Hugs.