Friday, January 20, 2012

Slow and painful torture.

I had this conversation today. The words played back to me, moved across my skin like a razor blade dull and rusty. The pain cut deep and slow, opening up each little bit of my wounds. Maybe I brought it on. Sometimes my mouth spews out nonsense just to fill the silence, nonsense that leads to more pain. The crazy thing is, I have entire conversations everyday where I am sane and no one would ever guess how I am truly so very sad inside.

Let me rephrase, I had two conversations today. When I first began my new job, I decided that I did not want to share Braedon with anyone. Yes, the guilt is awful but I just couldn't talk about him. My eyes begin to fill with just the mention of his name.

One day I was dealing with a coworker who has quite the tendency to bitch and moan about the unjustness of his life. I attend work with no baggage of outward appearance. I don't know, maybe for others this is hard. But I don't want to share my life, my story, my pain. I smile and I do my job. That is it. So listening to this constant whine was really getting on my nerves. So one day I let it slip that my son had died and my life was not all peaches and cream, so stop bitching already.

This morning, this coworker wants to talk about all of this. Details please.. I tried to remove myself a few times but he was insistent that we have this conversation. So I told him, today it has been 6 months and 1 week. He asks me, "How do you get out of bed every morning?" I told him well I just do. He asks me, "How do you keep it together and not fall apart?" I told him well I just do.
But he wanted more from  me, so of course the deeper we go into all of this, my eyes start to fill with tears and my heart starts to open. I quickly walk away, shake it all off and avoid him for the rest of the day. Again, I do not want to share this at work.

So later in the day, I am off to pick up one from school. I remember I need to call my Mom. So we get on the phone and do the basic chit chat. Then it all turns sour and curdled and just plain wrong. Razor blades on my skin, slowly moving.

She starts to talk to me about this new baby, what if something goes wrong again? I of course respond with then we won't try again because I won't be able to handle any more pain. She responds, "Good, I don't want you to try anymore, I couldn't go through that again." Good to know, not that she has been so responsive in her discussions with me regarding Braedon. As we speak further, it goes back to her again and again. How people just did not get that Braedon was an actual baby and that is why our family has not contacted me. (So what was he, a figment of my imagination?) Then she tells me she just gets angry when she thinks about it and it is all so painful for her. Selfish much?? Thanks Mom for not once asking me how I was doing. Thanks for saying again and again how hard it is for you but your sure it is harder for us. Glad you are so sure that we must be in pain.

So then she proceeds to tell me that my husband is taking it so much harder then I am, and how well I am handling it all. Again not once does she ask me how I am handling it.

I suppose this just sounds like I am being whiney and a bit needy. Maybe I do not fall apart and demand attention from my Mom. She has never been very Donna Reed in that department. I still want her to be my Mom and kiss my pain away. She tells me that she doesn't ask about him because she doesn't want to keep opening the wound. I proceed to tell her it will always be an open wound and I want to talk about him. She again tells me she doesn't want to keep bringing him up as it is too painful. So I guess I am supposed to just not mention him again. I keep him to myself at work, in public, and now apparently in conversations with my Mother.

I need a spirit guide. Now hear me out, I am dead serious. I want a barefoot, coal walking, tea drinking spirit guide. Someone who will smoke a peace pipe and offer me a toke here and there. Someone who will say, there there little one, free your tears, let your pain flow. I want someone who will stroke my hair and help me to light candles. Someone who will journey with me on walks into the forest to search for streams full of pebbles to collect. I want someone who will help me to search for him in the clouds, in the movement of the wind.

I feel very alone, misunderstood and just so sad.

(Stephanie, come see me, I miss you sister)


  1. I feel that alot too, I stopped talking to my completely ignorant family (except my sis) long ago. I think alot of us try to seperate our grief from our working lives in order to cope, we are sad inside all the time and actually have to check our schedule to see when we can have a good cry that wont interfere with all our duties. It seems so wrong. If you find that spirit guide send him my way too, he sounds like exactly what we need or at least mail me his pipe !xo thinking of you and always Braedon

  2. There there little one, free your tears, let your pain flow! I wish we could all be spirit guides to eachother in person, for know we can come here and feel safe and unserstood. we want nothing else than our babaies here on earth to hold and love. sending you love

  3. UGH this all just sounds so rough... It is one thing for it to come from a co-worker, but from your mom???? It isn't about HER! I talk about Camille at work all the time. I even talk about her with patients, I cry in front of people. That is just me. I want people to know I am in pain, I want people to know she existed. I am sorry that this happened to you. I would glady walk with you into the forest, collect pebbles and let your tears flow as I stroked your hair. Missing Braedon and Love to you.

  4. I wish I could provide you with a spirit guide, I could do with one too. I wish I could get us one each. Or even one to share! Just someone or something that I would feel was not judging me, that I could sit and cry in front of and just be patted on the head.

    You don't sound whiney or needy to me. You just want your mom, I think we all do at times. And this is one that they can't fix, they can't kiss the pain away. And from that point . . . .I think it get complicated. And hurtful.

  5. Just this week I've been struggling with my mother and I completely relate to the "selfish much" comment. My mother is so focused on her own pain and I find that it's driving an immense rift between us. How this situation influences and changes relationships.

    I'd like a spirit guide too, someone I could "free my tears, and let my pain flow" - so desperately this week especially.

    My thoughts are with you.

  6. You do definitely need to let it out sometimes. I get exhausted from putting on a 'face' and spending too much time around people who don't / won't talk about my son. So I go to support meetings, therapy and write here. It just feels so overwhelming otherwise... It's such a lot to try to hold inside.

  7. I'm here listening Paula, journeying with you. I know its not the same as the spirit guide that you need right now but lean on this space and on us. Let your heart free here. It's helped me so much to write, to pour my heart out where there are no interruptions. My support group helps too, as does therapy. Lots of therapy. We do what we have to because we are misunderstood, our pain is so misunderstood. You aren't whiney or needy or alone my friend. I'm thinking of you and i'm thinking of your Braedon. xx

  8. I try to get away from the loss, too. Move in and out of worlds where people don't know about Nathaniel, because it's too painful to move in the worlds where people do know about Nathaniel. I am just now starting to tell people and talk about it, and I do cry, and it is painful. Sometimes it has helped to let people in, despite the effort on my part to allow other people to see my pain. Sometimes I feel better after I've told someone about my baby.

    And about your mother, I am so sorry. I wish she could just get out the way and be a support to you. I think I have a booklet for grieving grandparents that I'd be happy to send to you if you want to give it to your mom. It really focuses on talking about how to best support you - her child - in your loss. And it would be really nice if she could support you in your choice about future pregnancies. Let me know if you want it.

    Sweet little Braedon (I love the picture of him). Sweet mama. Sending love xoxoxo

  9. " I want someone who will help me to search for him in the clouds, in the movement of the wind. " This is so heartbreakingly beautiful. I think it is what we all want- to make sure our child's memory is not forgotten.

    ...Remembering Braedon with you.