Thursday, January 26, 2012

I don't know how to doggie paddle or tread water or even float anymore!

My heart is broken and I am drowning in it all. Could I compare sadness to the feeling of swallowing water? Maybe a poor comparison but it fits. You know that moment when you swallow and it goes down the wrong way. Your gasping trying to get air in and you feel the pressure as the water heads up your nose. You cough and cough and choke and for a moment it really does feel like you won't be able to expand your lungs just one more time. Underwater when your eyes are open, everything above is blurry and opaque. Your in a world that you don't fit.

A wonderful family lost their 2nd child yesterday and my heart is broken for them. They did not deserve this and I again feel so confused by the suffering that one must suffer here on Earth. Makes it hard to believe that there is a something better in the beyond. Because well hell, if this is to prepare us for that place, well then that is just screwed up. But still I find myself wanting to pray for them and so hoping that their two little babies found each other and they are waiting patiently for the day their parents will join them.

Of course none of this is about me and I don't want to seem selfish but all of this has put fear in my heart, which of course was already there but now it is worse and awful and making me sick to my stomach.

In two days I will hit the 18 week mark. (Yep, there is the big secret for those who we haven't been talking to) So we are so close to moving into the stage of safety, or are we? Things are progressing quickly along. My husband is doing a great job of keeping himself distant, he tells me he doesn't want to get attached. This makes me sad but I do so understand. I have just started feeling the tiny little flutters of movement. I am already feeling that ember of pure love start to form. For of course, I look at this baby as Braedon's baby. The gift he sent to us. How is it even possible that after all the times we tired, we suddenly succeed just at our first attempt barely over two and half months after he passed.

What will we do if it all turns out wrong? How will we cope? So many Mommas have had multiple losses. So many babies do not make it. The risks are higher and my heart is already broken. Can we survive another loss? Do I want to survive another loss? Is it wrong to think that if this one does not make it, shouldn't I get to go as well? It is wrong because of the two I have here. But I can't help but think I don't know how I will go through this all again.

I am just so very sad for all of the babies out there and the Moms and Dads with empty arms. This is a cruel fate that no one deserves. I wish I could express my sorrow to you all. I wish I could tell you without sounding just plain weird. I love you all and I would wrap my arms around you if I could.


  1. I found out about this family and their losses yesterday. I was going through their Facebook photos crying quietly at my work desk. It's awful how much we can make it through, how strong we are. I hate how strong we are sometimes, it doesn't seem right to be strong and carry on after so much loss and devastation.

    But we do don't we.

    And now your news, your beautiful news that made me smile big this morning. I'm happy that I get to follow you along on your journey Paula. I'm here, trying to stay afloat with you, hoping with all my heart for you and Braedon's sibling, a gift that Braedon sent to you and your husband yes.

    For me, hope carries me through my days without Liam. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have hope to hang on to. Sending love and hope and light your way dear friend. I wish that we were closer so I could take in that hug of yours and hug you right back. x

  2. Oh Paula. My heart aches for this family too. It seems too, too unfair and it doesn't make any sense.

    You don't seem selfish to me, it's only natural that you would feel frightened. It's very difficult, I think I think your husband's line during my subsequent pregnancy. I just tried to stay distant and I still even now, look at my son and think, are you really here? Really? Nothing went wrong, you didn't die?

    But I think I just tried to keep hoping, hoping that everything will be ok. So many babies do not make it, so many babies do make it. Sometimes I think it is mind boggling how often pregnancy and childbirth turns out just fine when you consider the risks involved. But, having been on the wrong side of the statistics once, it is hard to ignore the very real possibility of things going wrong again.

    Sending love and hope to you, I wish that I had words that could make this easier xo

  3. It's all is so very unfair, I wish I could hug you back. Wishing you hope, and comfort. xo

  4. makes me sick is so scary. It was so nice living in a world where I was not a vortex of death, where I knew too many women who have had a child die for SO many different reasons. My heart aches for this family. I also have a friend who has lost two of her children and another friend who has lost 3. These are women not in baby loss blog land. It worries me for sure...but we have to focus on the hope...we have to. Keep hoping and loving, just keep on...

  5. Paula, you are nearing the halfway mark and that is wonderful. I hope that the remainder of this pregnancy goes smoothly for you. I know that it is scary but I also hope that you can find some excitement in it as well (for me I wasn't excited at all until the last month or so).

    A's death has hit me hard too. I wish I could take some of the burden away from his parents. If terrible things like this are to happen I wish there was a way to help ease the pain of those most directly affected.

  6. This world is such an unfair place. I don't know the family that you are talking about, but my heart goes out to them. Two losses in one family is just too much. It makes me feel very unsafe as well. I don't know what to say, yes, statistically it's unlikely to happen twice... But statistically it was unlikely to happen to all of us the first time... I just hope with you, that this time, for all of us, the ending will be relief and smiles. I'm not sure if I could handle anything else.