Monday, January 30, 2012

As life moves forward.....where will it all fit?

Eight years ago I was blessed with a gift of unmeasurable proportions. My second son Colin was born quickly and easily onto this Earth. In him I saw so much beauty and my joy was endless. I still could just scoop him up and pull him back within my heart. He is amazing.

Not a day goes by that my darling boy does not mention his brother. He speaks his name freely, he lets his tears flow when his heart is hurting. He has a bracelet and a necklace for his brother. He sleeps with a teddy bear wearing one of Braedon's onesies.

Today we went out to have some fun, played some games, ate some pizza and picked out some toys that he had been wanting. I had purchased him some balloons for his birthday. On the trip home, he asks me, "Mom do you remember when we sent Braedon some balloons, do you think he got them?" I tell him yes I believe he did. He then tells me can we save these balloons for Braedon's birthday.
I have to explain to him that no the helium would not last that long but we could send him balloons when his birthday rolls around.

He does not want another brother or sister. He was not happy when we told him the news. In his mind, Braedon is our only baby. Our baby, his baby. The one we can't hold but the one we all want the most. I try to explain that this new baby will not be a replacement and we will still miss Braedon but we will love a new baby also. He says no I will not, I will always think of Braedon. Then today he tells me it was unfair that he did not get to kiss or hold Braedon and his Dad and I did. Wow, what a dagger to the heart. How was I to know what the best choice would be? I thought we were doing the right thing at the time. Then his last question in this conversation, "what if it happens again?"

Oh sweet boy, I don't have the answers for you. I know that Braedon is so lucky to have a big brother who loves him so much. In eight years I have discovered the beauty of having a child with a sensitive heart and a gentle soul. I would not change you for all the money in the world.

Today I celebrate the life I was allowed to enjoy, while I mourn the life I lost. I have this child who should have had the chance to know his brother, but fate intervened and now he has a sadness in his heart that I can not heal.

There is no love like the love a Mother has for her children. It is instant and endless and all consuming


  1. Braedon is very lucky to have a big brother like that.xo

  2. There is no love like the love a mother has for her child yes, something I had never felt or experienced until I became pregnant with Liam. The day I found out I was pregnant, it was all about my baby and our future together. It is "endless and all consuming" yes.
    Braedon is lucky to have a big brother who loves him so much. Your Colin sounds so sweet and caring and thoughtful and protective.
    Thinking of you and your family always.

  3. What a beautiful little soul Colin is. And you sound like you're doing a great job explaining things to him and answering all his questions so openly.
    I don't want to sound too presumptuous about this pregnancy so I'll say IF this all turns out well, I'm sure Colin will fall in love with his new sibling AND still be able to remember and honour little Braedon. It sounds like he has plenty of room in his heart for both.