Thursday, December 1, 2011

Tongue Tied

Lately I find myself unable to respond to other's blogs, or posts about their loss and their pain.

My words they feel flat, not enough ... the I am so sorry, I wish things were different for you.  It is so insufficient. Those words do not touch the heartbreak that I feel for all of the other Mommas that have lost a child.

But I am so very sorry for you, I wish things were different. If only I was the Good Queen with my magic wand and you had your Ruby Slippers, I would tell you click your heels three times and say, there is no place like home, there is no place like home.....

I want to say, hey it will get easier, but I know nothing about how they will feel tomorrow.

But there are some things that I am beginning to see as certain. Things that can only begin to become reality as time goes by.

One day you will wake up, you will be able to resist the urge to bury your head back within your pillows. You will swallow that lump in your throat and wash your face. Maybe you will fix your hair, maybe you will brush your teeth, but you will start to live again.

Not the same life you had before, you will be more like a puppet on strings in the beginning. The universe pulling you this way and that. Occasionally a string will come lose and your arms will flap down weakly by your side with no force making them useful.

One day you will realize that you have gone hours without tears and that will probably make you start to cry. Because not crying might make you feel as if you have somehow forsaken their memory. But that will never be the case.

You are and always will be a Mother. Nothing will change that. You will always look into the faces of little ones and imagine for a moment, what might have been. You will always question, why me? Your heart will forever ache but one day your heart will feel joy again as well.

You will laugh, smile, enjoy life. Maybe not always but you will find moments where you are so happy for what is there before you. You will smile at rainbows or songs you enjoy. That thing that makes you happy, you will find it again.

I am still struggling to find my happy but it is there knocking at the back door of my mind. Telling me, hey let me in.... some days I think I just might but not quite yet ....soon.

Because of us, they will always remain somehow alive. We carry them with us, like a weight that our bodies have adjusted to. They are forever a part of who we are.


  1. I love your analogies and its so true. I find I get in this circle- of enjoying something, then feeling guilty that I should be enjoying anything at all when my child sufferred in pain and died slowly then crying then it starts all over again. So my happy or enjoyment always in the end makes me sad. Pretty messed! I have a hard time dealing with not only his death but the way it played out and his suffering really sticks in my head all the time. I love your writing and wish you had those Ruby slippers for both of us.xo

  2. Beautiful post. I wish I could have read something like this after my daughter died. Glad that you feel that knocking at the back door of your mind, that it's just there, waiting for you to be ready to let it in. xo

  3. Blogger is so annoying in that it doesn't let me just respond to comments.

    Catherine: I feel it knocking because of those like yourself who have come before me. It is in the words that you provide that I have found solace. Knowing that this pain does not leave but it does get easier. Well you give me hope. <3

    Michelle: I so wish I had those Ruby slippers for us. I am thinking of you this month now that you guys are on your TTC journey with the doctors and getting answers. I hope that the answers you want to hear will soon find you.

  4. It's strange but a couple of weeks ago I got a bunch of flowers - they were beautiful, and I caught myself smiling at them, happy I suppose... It was nice to feel it for a split second, and to feel gratitude at a very simple but beautiful gift.

    Maybe inch by inch, it's already coming back. Here's to the return of joy again... it'll probably look a little different, but that's ok I think.