Sunday, November 27, 2011

What I didn't know.

I can't pretend I lived a perfect childhood or have had an easy time becoming an adult, a mother, a wife but life really hasn't been that bad.

We have had our struggles, money issues, getting adjusted to each other and all that jazz. But my husband is pretty great.

My kids are fairly easy and rarely get sick.

So I guess the point is: I had no clue how things can change so quickly.

When I was 14, I lost my grandfather. My Mother's Father. He was an amazing person in my life. I loved him dearly and cherished my time with him. He would take me to the races and let me keep the winnings. Some weekends, he would take me to go have breakfast with all his old buddies that he had coffee with. Once when I was little, I stayed over and got to sleep in the big bed with my Grandpa and Grandma. I must have had a bad dream or something because I had an accident in the middle of the night. I was so scared when they woke me up, I thought for sure I was getting a spanking. But my Grandpa just changed the sheets, while my Grandmother got me a change of clothes. I know a silly memory but it made me feel safe when I was in that house.
So needless to say when my Grandpa passed away, it broke my heart. I knew I would always miss this man that had a big part in who I am. I loved him. But you know, I still miss him but I don't dwell on his death. I know he was not healthy, bad heart, and I accepted his passing.

But when we lost Braedon, I finally learned what grief is. I had no clue what it felt like to have a piece of yourself die. That is what Braedon was, a piece of me. It is hard to deal with the fact that he died inside my body. I can not wrap my mind around the fact, that my body failed and did not protect this little life. It is what we are made to do. Our bodies were created to grow life.

I understand that for some that is not so easy. I have struggled over the years with my body not doing what it is supposed to do. I was just a teenager the first time I was told that I may never have children. I never made a big deal out of this. I figured whatever happened would happen. But I did get pregnant with my first child and it was a surprise and unexpected. I still think there must have been a bigger hand involved there because I never needed medication or monitoring. He was born healthy and normal. After that, well my body didn't work correctly. But we were lucky and after several years went by, we had boy #2. So when we found out about Braedon, I just knew he was going to stick. All the way up till the moment he was born, I never doubted that he would be a growing, normal little boy.

The things I didn't know.

Life changes in the blink of an eye.

No matter a minute, a day or several years: the love you feel for your child is instant and forever.

For every second that has gone by, I have never stopped wishing things were different.

I am forever changed now.

I lost a part of me, a piece of my flesh, my blood; I will never, ever get him back or who I used to be.

Life is not predictable and nothing we do today is going to ensure that we are going to be safe tomorrow. We just hope that it all works out.

I touched his face. So strange even in death, he was so soft, so perfect. So beautiful. It took my breath away to see him. I could have held him forever but I knew time was not on our side. He had the same little lips that his brothers have. I kissed him and it was bitter sweet. I wish I could hold him one more time. I wish I could whisper in his ear: Sweet baby, Mommy loves you and always will.


  1. Oh Paula! I KNOW! My grandma was one of my best friends. I found her when she died and did CPR on her. I was really devestated! I was depressed too...but dying after a long life is VERY different from your child dying. I too feel like a piece of me died when Camille died. I too wonder how my body could have failed at keeping her alive. I would do almost anything to change that outcome. I am so glad I held my daughter and kissed her. The problem is that the crazy in my brain makes everything about that time so fuzzy and hard to recolect and understand. I did a lot of really right things. Talking to her, kissing her, holding her, wishing to be alive...but it just isn't never will be enough. I wish we could be our old selves I really do. I don't want this grief and sadness. sigh....I just wish things were different and that Braedon and Camille were with us.

  2. Yes That really is how we feel, we dont feel whole anymore. Thinking of Braedon.

  3. If only there was some way to keep safe... Something real and guaranteed... a ritual or a spell or a prayer that warded off all danger - I'd pay good money for that.

    It's horrible to try and live now keeping one eye on the middle-distance to see what's coming next.

  4. I loved my grandparents and I was saddened when they died. But yes, their deaths were different in that I did not dwell on them and I accepted them. They were explicable, part of the natural order of things.

    Life does change in the blink of an eye. It is an easy thing so say but hard to live in the knowledge of. I thought I knew the truth of how rapidly life can change before the twins were born but I didn't, not really. Now I know it deep in my bones.

    The last paragraph just breaks my heart. I wish it had been different for you and your precious, perfect little Braedon, with his lips like brother's. xo