Friday, February 10, 2012

If I could twist your head off your body, I would then proceed to shove it as far up your ass as possible!

Today was our 20 week scan. Let me walk you through the whole thing.....

Anxious, nail biting, twisting hair, stomach cramping.. and that is just the drive over.
First thing first because God forbid I don't pay.

$100 for today's visit.
Yes, here take my card....(take my money, give me a baby and all will be fine. I won't scream or throw anything or drill holes into your brain with my mind)

10 minute wait, then we get called back. (10 minutes is amazing, on average I have to wait at this office for at least an hour before I even get called back)

Okay I need you on the table.

Me: unbutton pants, hold my breath for a moment and climb on up. Straighten my legs and pull my pants open.

When are you due?

Blah, blah, blah... we have been given more than one date so I am not sure.... Last LMP end of September.

Okay I am going to take some measurements.

Can we look at the umbilical cord?

Why would we do that?

Well, because I am a crazy nutcase and I just like to look at things. ..... No really, I said because my last baby died due to True Nuchial Knot and the cord was also wrapped around his neck.

We can't see if there is a knot on the machine and of course at this stage babies are often wrapped in the cord.

Okay, (FUCK YOU, don't placate me... yes, I dropped that word in my mind. I say it quite often in my head just not out loud)

Here is the head, arm, legs, heartbeat, fluid levels look good, heart chambers, three vessel cord, no obvious abnormalities.

Catch my breath, drop some tears. A heartbeat. This baby is a possibility. I actually have a chance to have another baby.

Then here is the kicker:
So I don't see the cord wrapped around the baby. And of course the chances of that happening again or 1 to nill. The chances of it happening the first time were very unlikely.

Okay, really. If I could have stabbed her with my heel right in the eye, I just might have.

Don't tell a grieving mother that the chances of it happening are nill. We all know that is not true and is that all supposed to make me feel better? The chances of Braedon dying were unlikely.

My child died. I am not the norm. I could lose another baby. The chances are not nill and my son dying was not unlikely. It happened. It might happen again and I am scared and hurting and worried.

To make matters worse, today I realized that I am at the stage where I can no longer say I would give this baby up to have Braedon back. I am now aware that this baby is alive and growing and a part of me.

Oh and maybe just maybe because the view was obstructed by the Placenta, it might be a boy.


  1. I wish so many times I could shove peoples heads up their ass.

    Darn, I wanted to know for sure what gender little baby is.


  2. I'll never understand why these technicians say such things... Yes, of coursers unlikely, but when you've been struck by lightning, you're naturally going to be scared during a storm... Stats don't really help when you've been on the wrong side of the before. Glad to hear the rest of the testing came back well.

  3. Oh it so frustrating to be told that these things never happen and won't happen again, that the chances are nil. The chances are not nil, however much of a outside chance it may be. And, as you say, is the fact that what happened to Braedon is vanishingly rare supposed to make you feel any better about it?!?

    Glad to hear that everything looks well with your little baby (boy?)

  4. UGHGHGHG....It can happen again but please please please be safe and sound little (possibly boy) baby. I am glad everything went well, I am sorry the tech was a douche...Sending you so much love.

  5. Wow, there's someone who is terrible at part of her job. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Do you have to see this same person again, or can you insist on someone else?

  6. I like how you said that this baby is now his or her own little person and that he or she is past the stage where you would give him or her up to have Braedon back. At this point, I would give up alot to have Eva back. I like that there is a point where you no longer would give up this new baby..that this new baby has found a niche in your heart that belongs only to him or her. My boys sometimes ask me about how much I love them. I tell them that each of them has their own room in my heart and I couldn't imagine not having that room...Eva has her own room too, and she is in it as much as any of my boys are...your new baby has his/her own room too.
    I'm so happy for the heartbeat. Keep beating little heart...your mama needs you.
    Sending love...Em

  7. I TOTALLY understand your fear of the cord... I was told the same - what happened to Seamus was one in millions they said... but that provides zero comfort this time round. It's just a thought that is so fearful that I have to push it out of my head when it rolls on in.

    And FYI - you CAN see the cord on the scan. You just need a fetal medicine specialist to look at it. I'm not sure about seeing a knot, but you can definitely see blood flow and positioning. The downside is, there's not a lot they can do if they find any abnormalities with the cord or it's positioning. As our specialist told us: "It wouldn't change our management of your pregnancy" ....perhaps, but it would certainly change my management of it - I'd be using my doppler several times a day, and probably demanding admission towards the end of the pregnancy. Plus, it would leave me better informed to make a decision about delivery.

    Stupid woman. I'm sorry you had to deal with such an uncaring, unsympathetic idiot.

    Wow, possibly a boy - how do you feel about that?

  8. Thank you guys. I worry that I am being crazy but hearing that my feelings are validated makes me feel well as close to normal as I can get.

    I will have to see this tech everytime unless I go to another location. Which is hard because I have to pay $250 versus only $100. I don't know what we will do at our next visit but I am thinking that maybe I should talk to my doctor and see if she would sit in next time.

    I don't know how to feel about this baby being a boy. It is a hard to understand what to want. I want Braedon back so in some ways having another boy gives me some of that but this baby is not him and in some ways maybe a girl would make it all easier to seperate.

    Very confusing being pregnant and grieving.

  9. Oh, such relief that this new little one looks good and healthy! And such love to him!

    I'm sorry the tech was an an idiot.