Tuesday, February 28, 2012

To miss

So sneaky, hanging there in the shadows. Just beyond the light. It taps me on the shoulder when I least expect. My heart skips a beat and I jump just above the ground.

I was just sitting there, having lunch. Greasy pizza, not the best choice. Looking out the windows into the world moving by. I thought I had built up my defenses better. Was I not already a well trained warrior prepared for all of this? My helmet fit snug upon my head, my body armour strong and resistant to any passing dings. Just like that I was back in the trenches.

My old enemy by this point, months have passed and my acceptance has become stronger, but prehaps not just yet. There are bullets left in that gun over there. They are whizzing past my head.

My army of one against that old thing. Guilt!

I can't escape. I keep thinking I have this. I won. Look at me, no white flag must I wave. But there in the shadows it lurks. Waiting for that surprise attack.

I go over the details, read my mental maps with detailed accuracy. What was I thinking? So many mistakes I can pinpoint. I did this, I did that.

It is all my fault. It resonates within my soul. Will it ever go away. Will I win this war, I have lost so many battles at this point. There is no tie here. One of us will have to surrender.

It hurts, simply impossibly painful. To miss, to wish, to need, to hurt, to cry, to love, to break.....


  1. I can't tell you not to feel guilty. It would never work, you would not believe me. All I can do is offer you my prayers as you navigate these unchartered waters. Do not believe the lies that Guilt will whisper to your soul...Guilt will try to wrench any shreds of happiness you might find...Guilt will make this your fault when it is anything but...
    Praying for you Paula, to not believe the lies Guilt is trying to make you believe.
    Love, Em

  2. This is the reason why I don't get on so well with books about 'How to...' (Fill in the blank: 'Get through the loss of your baby'... 'Live after loss'... 'Grieve healthily'... Because none of this fits into a neat and tidy pattern. I have days where I don't feel guilty, and others where I am consumed by it. Days where meeting friends seems fine, others where I want to hide away at home. It's just not neat and orderly and linear.

    But I want to say to you gently - What happened to Braedon was not your fault. It just wasn't. Please be gentle on yourself.

  3. I play that game alot, the blame game. I go over everything that happened and wonder if I had of made different choices then would everything be different. I think it's natural to feel that way, to feel responsible because we are Mothers. I havent moved on from that but I am learning to live with it. Sending love xo

  4. After Liam died I left the hospital with the phone number of a local baby loss support group and a pamphlet on the "stages of grief" after losing a child. I read and re-read that pamphlet for weeks. I didn't know anyone who had lost a baby, I didn't know of any baby lost blogs or support sites then. The pamphlet never said anything about how we continue to revisit the "stages of grief". Just when you think you might see a glimmer of light past guilt, it sneaks back again doesn't it.

    I feel like Michelle, i'm trying to learn how to live with the guilt. As a mother I don't think it will ever go away.

    Be gentle on yourself Paula. I'm thinking of you. xx

  5. I wish things turned out differently. I wish things turned out differently. I wish things turned out differently. For both of us. The guilt sits on the top of my head like an anvil, and I spin all of the wheels of my imagination trying to come up with some different scenario - if I had done this or that or made this choice or that choice, things would be different. Sending you love xoxoxo.