Friday, March 9, 2012

18, 19, 20 ready or not here I come.

My heart would beat a little faster, the anticipation more than I could bear. My hands would find their way up to cover my mouth as I bit the inside of my cheek. My giggles would give me away if I wasn't quiet. My inner voice would tell me to cool it.

Under porches, up trees, behind trashcans. I was little and liked to hide. In the dusk was the best time. Fireflies twinkling, the darkness just there beyond the light, letting us know that dinner would be soon, then baths and bed.

We played that game often. Hide and Seek, tag and others.

Childish fantisies they never really leave us. I know it is all in my head but I can hear it. A little giggle, escaped from between tightened lips. Ready or not here I come...

Where is he? Is he hiding up there in the trees, under the porch, behind something big enough to hide his shadow?

I will find you, I will look for you forever. This game I will not tire of.

Maybe if I look down, I can follow his footsteps. Would he be wearing shoes, or barefoot like a summer time nymph?

Come out, come out where ever you are!

Henry Van Dyke

Long ago he left me, long and long ago:
Now I wander through the world and seek him high and low;
Hidden safe and happy, in some pleasant place,--
Ah, if I could hear his voice, I soon should find his face.
Far away,
Many a day,
Where can Barney be?
Answer, dear,
Don't you hear?
Coo-ee, coo-ee, coo-ee!

Birds that in the spring-time thrilled his heart with joy,
Flowers he loved to pick for me, mind me of my boy.
Surely he is waiting till my steps come nigh;
Love may hide itself awhile, but love can never die.
Heart, be glad,
The little lad
Will call some day to thee:
"Father dear,
"Heaven is here,
"Coo-ee, coo-ee, coo-ee!"


  1. Always searching, always hoping always wanting for them. Like an addiction always craving to hold them, hear them, smell them, be with them until our dying breath.

  2. Paula this is beautiful. I'm still looking, even now. I can't stop. Perhaps we do carry on searching forever? I don't know, sometimes I catch the leaves rustling and I do wonder if it is her. Although I know that it can't be.

    I was listening to 'Mother and Child Reunion' this morning. I'd never paid attention to the lyrics really and suddenly they hit me like a ton of bricks. 'The mother and child reunion is only a motion away,' I do hope so.

  3. I really like this post for so many reasons. I wish I had the feeling like you do that my daughter was just around the corner. I wish I had any feeling at all. The poem is also lovely.

  4. I do believe that I will see my boy again some day - I know it makes no sense, but I have to. That time, that brief time we had... It just can't have been all...

  5. I will never stop searching for my son. I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset and I can't help but wonder.. did he have something to do with it? This searching, this waiting for the next time, it keeps me going.

    I've been thinking about you Paula. xx

  6. Just checking in to see that you are ok?

    1. I am here. I am thinking of you also. I know your day is right around the corner. I can't wait to hear about your new little one.

  7. Where are you friend? I'm thinking of you.

    1. Thank you for checking on me. I am so excited to see your news. I knew it, just kept waiting for you to be ready to tell the world. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  8. I look for my son too. Rather, I look for moments when I feel close to his memory again. Sometimes it is just the quiet of an afternoon or the sound of mockingbirds in the early morning.

    Wish we could find them if we looked hard enough.


    1. Maybe we are too in the present to find them. You know how people once they reach a certain age are able to find their loved ones that have passed. I wonder if one day I will be sitting in a nursing home and there he will be hiding in the shadows just waiting for me to pull him into my arms.

  9. Hope all is well, thinking of you, Braedon and family xo.

    1. Oh Michelle,
      I think we both have our mute button on lately. It is hard to talk about all of this. I am so excited that your little bean is growing strong. Love to you.