Thursday, April 19, 2012

Waiting for the other shoe to drop..

I know it is awful, I am a bit ashamed of myself. Hiding away in silence, pretending that I don't need this place or all of you. Pretending that I am not the Mother of a dead baby and that my heart is not broken. Avoiding talking about how I feel. Muted, silent and not sure where to be or how to be.

It hurts, every day. Every moment. The wind blows and it hurts.

For Braedon's nine month anniversary, I spent the day worrying about tornadoes then the evening worrying about this new little one. Had the lovely experience of spending time in Labor and Delivery being monitored. All things turned out well. On the 3rd we go in for our scan with the Peri. In the meantime, I am stressed out beyond belief. I stay busy with work, kids and school. I don't sleep, I think and think and think. And just keep thinking we have made it this far, 30 weeks and we are so close.

I feel that my doctor has failed me and at this point I can't really do much but stay with her practice since several doctors I have called are hesitant to take me this late in the game with a high risk situation. She tells me there really is not much we can do but wait. I know there is more we can do, more monitoring, more testing but she doesn't see the point.

This little one is very inactive, rarely moves and I have not gained a lot of weight. Yet, there has been no extra precautions recommended. Ughhh I keep thinking it is going to take me becoming a crazy, screaming manic in order for them listen to me. Even the E.R. doctor seemed surprised that we had no extra testing being done.

So we wait, I hold my breath and hope. That is all I can do. And I miss him and I miss me and all that should have been.


  1. Oh, dear. That's really frustrating. If you are desperate...I have some friends who wanted more monitoring than their doctors would agree to, so they contacted Dr. Jason Collins in Louisiana (Pregnancy Institute) and he set them up with extra daily home monitoring from afar. I think it was expensive but gave them peace of mind. I know that's a bit of an extreme suggestion...Thinking of you and wishing you some restful sleep. Sometimes I run from the grief for a little while, too. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

  2. I hate docs alot of them seem to have no common sense. Hopefully the time goes by fast, I am thinking of you and baby.xoxo

  3. I am glad to hear from you. I'm sorry you are not getting the care you desire and deserve. I'm glad things are going well with you so far. 30 weeks. So close and so far. I have been thinking of what to do for the one year anniversary of Camille's death and although I have ideas I feel frozen. Sending you a giant hug

  4. It isn't awful and there is no need to feel ashamed. This place is here when YOU need it, voices come and leave, sometimes it feels right to be here and at other times, it doesn't. I think we all understand (she says, speaking grandly for the world at large!)

    I'm so sorry that you aren't getting the care that you deserve and need. For what it's worth, becoming a crazy, screaming maniac worked for me! Holding my breath and hoping with you. Remembering your little Braedon xo

  5. Oh I'm sorry that you aren't getting the care that you deserve and need. Im holding my breath and hoping with all my heart for you and your little one. x

  6. Paula I am new here. I see your comments everywhere, so I am sorry I haven't clicked over sooner. I am so very sorry your Braedon is not here with you. Nine months was particularly hard for me, especially being pregnant again with all that entails.
    I'm thinking of you and look forward to reading along from now on.

  7. Worry, worry, worry - does it ever end? I know this feeling so well - too damn well at this point. I hope all the hours spent worrying were for nothing and that all turns out beautifully. Just keep on clocking up those days.

    ps. (I know I'm getting to this ridiculously late - it's been a crazy couple of months...)