Thursday, May 10, 2012

We are good.

I hold my breath. Hold just a little longer. I bite my tongue and plaster on my smile. It comes out in my voice, happy, sing song happy. We are good.

Those questions, those awful damn questions. Do you really want my answer? Do you want the truth? If I tell you will I drag you into my pain and sorrow? My fear so great, my heart swelling with hurt, black death that surrounds my soul. Rings of tree inside of me, years seem to have been taking away.

They want to throw me a baby shower. I have nothing but a box of clothes and a few blankets. I wanted every thing else to go away. To leave the emptiness. Maybe to help forget. But of course I cried for it all to be back. For the voided spaces to be filled. Now I can't manage to bring anything home. I shop and I look and then I cry. This little boy deserves more but I can't imagine it. I told them okay. Tempting fate, screw you death leave us alone.

Everyone wants to know, are you excited? Anxious, nail biting anxious but excitement? Maybe sometimes.

I see the butterflies all around these days. White butterflies, maybe they are moths but I prefer to think of them as butterflies. They fly in pairs. Landing briefly together and fluttering back away. I think of him out there all alone, he has no one to fly with. As much as it hurts at least if this little guy leaves us as well, they will be together. Awful thoughts, I wish they would go away.

My amniotic fluid is low, the perinatal doctor points this out with a pleasant voice. Look at how tight he is in there. Our big concern, well he tells me is that he is measuring small as well. Potential for a good outcome, okay. Not sure what to take from all of this.

My OBgyn whom I no longer think has a pleasant face, she just looks like that. Well she says it is a major concern but there is not much we can do but monitor him. Here we are again with the hurry up and wait. We go for another scan next week. If he is too small they may decide to take him early.

The NSTs started, he passed but only after a lot of prodding and some juice. Not very reassuring.

I read with my breath held of the new babies who have made it and the new babies who have left us and I hold my breath harder. Where will I be? June 14th is scheduled at the hospital.

Please don't die, please don't die, please don't die. Please.


  1. much hope and fear wraped up in the next several weeks. I hope for a positive outcome. So many babies being born. Some happy, some tentative, some sad...all keep me holding my breath for myself. Too many ways for things to go awry. The peri seems to be the one to trust, the high risk doctor...yeah? Is he the type that would tell you if he was concerned? I do hope so. Big hugs. I know the white butterflies you speak of.

  2. Hi - I've been blog hopping and am new here. Just wanted you to know that I echo your wishes for your son - PLEASE DON'T DIE.

  3. I will be holding my breath with you and thinking of you and baby.xoxoxo

  4. Oh, I know. So many times a day checking to be sure she's still alive. Please don't die. And then people ask if I'm excited and having fun with the pregnancy. And what do I say?

    Thinking of you <3 I'm sorry you have scary news about fluid levels. Keep asking for as much extra monitoring as you want/need.

  5. Paula, I hear the scarededness. Please don't die little one. Stay with your mama.

  6. begging right along with you.

  7. Ohhh every moments seems to be scarier than the last. You can make it through this! I am hoping hoping hoping for you!

  8. Paula, I am so sorry that this is happening. I am wishing you all the best and that June 14th comes quickly and uneventfully.

  9. Oh love. Hold on tight, it's just so tough. I used to whisper that same chant throughout my pregnancy. Hoping with you xo

  10. Goosebumps reading this... the fear is palpable. Why can't you have the smooth ride you've earned?? I despair at the unfairness of it all...

    As for this: "As much as it hurts at least if this little guy leaves us as well, they will be together." I had the exact same thought.

    Fingers and toes crossed.