Sunday, September 18, 2011

Guilt So thick I can't Breathe!

I could fill notebooks by the thousands with all the things I think. Mindless dribble runs through my head. At times, I stop and my brain empty’s itself, like a toilet bowl ready to overflow but the whoosh is heard just in time. I am here, this screen in front of me again. Searching digging, for answers, comfort even words of anger. Oh, look another story just like mine, they understand they to feel it. That endless gaping hole, so black and dark, we are stuck here at the bottom, walking in the murky darkness, shoes sticky with our sorrow. Where can I go to escape this place that I now exist?

I want to run so far, but no that I can't do. Maybe I could just run around the park. Push my body to feel pain of a different kind but oh that would be so much work. I can't no I can't. Here I sit again.

My guilt holds me here as well not just my sorrow. I want an answer something. I walked that day, I swam, I danced, I said your time is up. How can I not feel that it is all somehow my fault? I did this, but then no I did not. Did I know but didn't want to know. Could I have saved him, can I now save myself.

Then the guilt again, why am I here. These children still need me. It is so easy, to say watch some mindless television, play your games, don't bother me for I am lost in my own place, a place that you can not go. I am supposed to be taking care of them. Talking to them, going to the park, drawing a picture. Working on reading, ahh the list goes on and on.

But no here I am with these stupid thoughts, my wrists hurt from typing and digging, from searching and wanting.

My heart hurts from my own desires, my needs to touch his face once more. If only or if only. I wanted to see him grow and know his every thought. How can I come back from this place when it has become all that I am?

1 comment:

  1. Hello Paula~ Thank you for the comments on my blog. I am so sorry you don't have your little squishy. I am so sorry our babies died! It is really horrific and so unfair. I haven't made it through all of your posts but I see your loss is only a couple weeks after mine. I am sooo soo sorry. Tragic...It is Tragic. I too have so much guilt ...pages of it. I talk with my counselor all the time about things I said or thought that brought about the death of my daughter. Even though it isn't true, it feels real. I can blame no one but myself. I should have known, how could I not have known. I understand the blame you feel, I feel it to. I feel like I failed her. I remember saying that to Camille when she was born. "I am so sorry" I said it over and over. "I love you, I am so sorry" So now I will say it to you Paula~ I love you, I am so sorry.