One of the things that I am trying to learn is genorisity of spirit. It is one of my goals that I am trying to achieve out of this tragedy that is now my every thought.
Then I have to see things and hear things that just make me so furious. I want to scream so loud and yell, THAT IS NOT FAIR!
So the most recent story is about the young woman who smothered her twin babies. She was 25, not a dumb teenager emotionally stunted. How could she have been given the privelage to birth two babies and then look at their beauty and innoncence and just snuff it out. I want to be understanding and believe that she has something wrong with her, but my anger is too strong. I can't help but just want to see her burn in hell.
I am mediocore at best. Not the best Mom, kind of lazy when it comes to housework, average at painting, writing, crafting, my cooking is so so and my husband only gets my best some of the time. I have never lied and tried to pretend that I am anything more then what I am; just an average person. I have never tried to portray myself as something extroardinary, because I know I am not.
But what I am is a Mom who loves her children with every thing she has. I feel guilty when I yell, I hate that I am not always on time to pick them up. It bothers me when I put them to bed without story time. I have days where they eat cereal for breakfast and tuna helper for dinner, and I wish I was more.
Yet, I know that I deserve my kids. I deserve to be their Mom. I am better then my Mom was and my kids will be better then me.
What I don't deserve is to know that some woman out there can easily give birth and just throw it away. It is just not fair! I deserved to be his Mom.
Dear Braedon,
I am sorry I never got to show you that I could have been a better Mom. I was going to to read to you more, do arts and crafts, take you to the park. For you I was going to be more. Now because of you, I am going to do that anyways. Because of you, I want to be more for your brothers. I wish I could have been the Mom you deserved. I hope when we meet again I can show you all the ways that I have improved.
I love You,
Mommy
I too share the guilt of needing and wanting to be a better mother. But let me tell you what I see when I look at you.....
ReplyDeleteI see a mother who loves her boys with all her heart.
I see a mother who knows what is best for her boys.
I see a mother who is unafraid to be what her boys need even though they do not understand that.
I see a mother who provides unlimited opportunities for her sons to grow and become men she will be proud of.
I see a mother who is better than me.
I see a mother who your boys are proud to call mom, who love you unconditionally, and would suffer without your love.
The Lord sees a wonderful mother and loves you and has a great purpose for you life.
I see a mother who was the best mom for Braedon while he was here on Earth.
You're better than you give yourself credit for. Love ya sis!