Monday, September 12, 2011

I can't make eye contact anymore.

I have always thought that when speaking with someone you should look them in the eye. People who look down are shifty and I have always thought they must be hiding a secret or telling a lie.
I understand so much better now. When people look at me, I feel this tightness inside. Can they see my empty shell? Do they know that I held an angel in my arms? I feel like if I let them make direct eye contact with me they will somehow be able to see inside. I don't want people to see my thoughts or know where I am at this moment.
Don't misunderstand, I want to shout his name from the rooftops. I want to scream I have a baby and he is in Heaven. I want people to know about him, I just don't want them to know about me. I see my neighbors who knew I was pregnant, and they don't say anything to me. I hate that. This is another reason I can't make eye contact. I see the pity in their faces, I hear them stumble at the basic hellos. I don't want their pity but yes it would be nice for them to acknowledge my baby boy. I want to tell them, his name was Braedon and he was perfect! So perfect that an angel took him from me and now I am an empty shell of a person. I want to tell them don't look to deep because you will see a woman caught in a dark place that she is trying so desperately to claw her way out of. But I don't have to tell them anything, because I don't make eye contact with them and they don't with me.
Dear Braedon,
I miss you so much little squishy. I dream of the day we will meet again. I talk about you everyday to your Daddy. He misses you as well. I read some books to your big brother tonight, I hope you were listening because I was reading to you to.

1 comment:

  1. I was the same - I felt that if I looked people in the eye they could see straight into my soul - and then see just how broken and fragile and vulnerable I was. I just felt horribly exposed.