So I keep looking for ways to stay busy, to focus on what is in front of me, blah blah blah....
Writing here is supposed to be a form of therapy, I think?
But the need to make something, create something is a big desire I feel right now.
I tried doing some scrap booking but jeez just to buy the stuff to get started gets kind of expensive, so I got a few things then gave up.
I have tried my hand at writing poetry, telling a story and so on but they all seem to fall flat of what I want to say.
I thought about making some jewelry but again not so great.
My goal with this blog was to maybe provide some information for pregnant Moms, but it doesn't take long to figure out for the most of us, the need to research infant death does not occur until after a loss has already occurred. I am still trying to compile data but the facts online are so contradictory and it is hard to determine what is really important.
I have even considered trying to talk to the hospital and the doctors to discuss some changes that need to be made. But I am just not ready for that yet.
I am trying to figure out a way to make something good come out of this but really who wants to celebrate an accomplishment in the face of death.
Still I do want to do something, toying with a toy drive, food drive??? Something since the holidays are coming but research shows that generosity is not as high as it used to be and many are holding on to their pennies to provide for their own families. Still going to pursue this just not sure if I can raise enough money being that we are new to the area we live in and I really don't know very many people.
Today in a fit of inspiration I tried my hand at drawing what I was feeling. Well it kind of sucks but maybe I need to continue on this path to creativity.
I am not looking to start dyeing my own fabric or knitting hats for the homeless but I really need to find something.
This is my first attempt, it came close to what I was wanting to show but I still fell short of the mark.
Writing here is supposed to be a form of therapy, I think?
But the need to make something, create something is a big desire I feel right now.
I tried doing some scrap booking but jeez just to buy the stuff to get started gets kind of expensive, so I got a few things then gave up.
I have tried my hand at writing poetry, telling a story and so on but they all seem to fall flat of what I want to say.
I thought about making some jewelry but again not so great.
My goal with this blog was to maybe provide some information for pregnant Moms, but it doesn't take long to figure out for the most of us, the need to research infant death does not occur until after a loss has already occurred. I am still trying to compile data but the facts online are so contradictory and it is hard to determine what is really important.
I have even considered trying to talk to the hospital and the doctors to discuss some changes that need to be made. But I am just not ready for that yet.
I am trying to figure out a way to make something good come out of this but really who wants to celebrate an accomplishment in the face of death.
Still I do want to do something, toying with a toy drive, food drive??? Something since the holidays are coming but research shows that generosity is not as high as it used to be and many are holding on to their pennies to provide for their own families. Still going to pursue this just not sure if I can raise enough money being that we are new to the area we live in and I really don't know very many people.
Today in a fit of inspiration I tried my hand at drawing what I was feeling. Well it kind of sucks but maybe I need to continue on this path to creativity.
I am not looking to start dyeing my own fabric or knitting hats for the homeless but I really need to find something.
This is my first attempt, it came close to what I was wanting to show but I still fell short of the mark.
My son saw this drawing and asked me why I was naked (he figured out it was me). I told him well that is to show my emotions are bare and not covered. He didn't quite get it but art is subjective so I guess we all interpret it how we want. I also could not figure out a way to show the emptiness I feel, this blank space in my belly that is no longer full with life. Well I am not an artist but it is healthy to be creative because I honestly enjoyed doing this. Maybe I am on the right path here after all. Creativity is possibly healing?? Maybe, well I don't know.
It is perfect. I totally get it. I too have been SEARCHING for something...right now for me it is yoga. I think the space of trying to accept and open my heart and feelings to love. I can not change Camille's death. I have so much guilt and deep sadness but I can not change the actuality of it. Being able to do something physical to the let go has been good for me. I have only painted a couple times and just putting color on paper was nice. I really like your picture. I GET it. It is hard to draw how empty we feel. It isn't really possible to capture the depth of this loss. BUT because I have lost it, I see what you are drawing. Sending you love and light and creative vibes.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels trying to find something meaningful to distract us from the void we feel. We are going doing a Halloween fundraisor at the end of October. We are new to the area as well and may not be very sucessful but for now its something.
ReplyDelete"I also could not figure out a way to show the emptiness I feel, this blank space in my belly that is no longer full with life"
ReplyDeleteI've also struggled with feeling there is no adequate way to covey the emptiness that I felt after G died. I think your art is beautiful. Keep being creative, it really does help, I think.
I love that you had the urge and you allowed it to find a way out. Despite your anxiety about 'not being an artist' you were still able to give this gift to yourself. And I think right now anything that you can give yourself to soothe your soul is good.
ReplyDeleteI don't buy into the whole artist thing. I think the value of being creative is in the expressing (the just allowing) and much less so in the end result. It is through the process that the healing comes. Thank you for being so honest and for being so brave in your creativity.
I am so sorry Braedon isn't here filling that empty space for you.
Much love,
Louise