Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I should be sleeping

During the day when everyone is looking I don't think they can truly see me. I know I hide it all to well. I smile, I laugh, I even joke around.

But when the night settles upon me and the house becomes still, that is when the demons come out to haunt me. No All Hallows Eve needed here, I have my own demons that live within my soul.

I wonder if at times that the nights are so hard because I do so well during the day. I wear my grief beneath my skin under cover of my clothing. I don't get angry as much these days, and lately people have started to annoy me less. I think wow I am doing amazing for a women who has lost her child just a little over three months ago . And of course I think, what is wrong with me, I should be a complete fumbling mess. But the thing is I am but only here in the silence in the glow of the moon, in my room or sitting on the couch, I feel it.

It is like a slow fog rolling across the road, slowing creeping in to cover my feet and moving upwards towards my face. I can feel it coming every time and I want to hide, to cower beneath my blanket and snuggle in closer with my husband. But I can't escape it.

I take his box and bring it into bed with me, whisper his name and let the demons take over. I imagine the should have beens and what my future was to be.

I can almost feel his soft skin against my chest as I pull him in closer. I imagine the many nights where I would have fed him and cuddled him in my arms. The joy of nursing my child is one I still dream about.

I go over all the details again and again. I want to believe that there was nothing that could have been done, but I know this is not true.

I know the day he passed, I was hesitant to go to labor and delivery. My own embarrassment at being sent home played to strongly in my mind and I waited. I can never go back, but I can not understand why I waited. Was my own issues a demon that played havoc with my mind. Is this guilt that forces me to breathe quicker something that I shall forever feel.

I put his box away once I am calm again, almost embarrassed at my desires. I often think of the shows on the nature channel. The lioness who carries her cub with her even after she knows that its life as been lost.

I whisper his name and I imagine him hearing me say it. Braedon... oh how I miss you.

I thought I would be dealing with the sleepless nights caused by a living infant needing attention but no I can't sleep because of an infant who haunts me.

E.E. Cummings wrote a poem that a friend recently sent to my husband and I.. it relays what I feel here tonight.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


  1. I was so used to being up all night with Jack at home due to his every other hour feeding shcedule and up all night at the hopsital that I couldnt sleep at all when we arrived home to stay due to the messed up shcedule and grief. I take a sleeping pill now to get to sleep at night, but then the giref sometimes floods my days. There is just no escaping it.

  2. Michelle,
    I am sorry. I can't imagine how hard this all must be for you.
    I do have days where my grief gets to me, I wrote about those days where I am a mess but they happen less and less lately. Of course I am aware that at any time I can return to that.
    Now it is just the nights that are the hardest. I am honestly scared of sleeping pills. It is not that I would take them all at once, it is not my nature, but I worry that one day I will lose it and then maybe I would swallow the whole bottle.

  3. "The lioness who carries her cub with her even after she knows that its life as been lost" What a beautifully poignant image... I still sleep with my son's blanket every night, between me and my husband. Like that lioness, I just can't let him go.

  4. I love that poem, it's one I particularly associate with Iris and lost babies.

    And this "I take his box and bring it into bed with me, whisper his name and let the demons take over. I imagine the should have beens and what my future was to be."

    Oh Paula. x