Monday, July 2, 2012

I have no faith in myself

I am a mother; I have been for over 15 years. I have 2 living sons. I grew up taking care of other's children. Being the oldest girl on both sides of the family meant plenty of babysitting. I know children, I love babies. I feel comfortable around babies. Crying babies never bother me. I don't have a high stress level and I keep myself in check pretty well.

But now this time, well who is this person I have become? I feel lost within my own issues. I have no faith in me. My son died; there it is all in black and white, no high lighting needed. I cremated my child and now his ashes are in a box.

This fact that I live with every single moment of every single day has left me unsure, unwise, shaken... What happened to my confidence?

I love this sweet baby like I do his brothers. I love the way he smells, his sweet baby smell. I love to kiss his little nose and hold him close. I want to wrap him up within my shirt and hold him next to my heart for all eternity. But my love for him is not the issue.

I nursed his older brothers and I would have nursed Braedon as well, but instead I let my milk drip free in the shower as my tears flowed.

Each night I brought my older sons into bed with me while they nursed. I napped with them and held them close as I fed them. I felt confident in this choice. I loved waking up with their little warm bodies upon my chest or nestled against my side. They survived and thrived.

Now I fear SIDS and losing my son. I worry my milk production is not enough or when he chokes I worry it is too much. I worry that I am eating the wrong foods, not getting enough vitamins. I worry when he grunts and when he seems uncomfortable. I feel like all of this is my failures somehow.

I am so sleepy but the only way he will sleep at night is in my arms. The crib at this point seems a waste of money. So I feel guilty if I fall asleep with him, I cat nap mostly with my eyes half open. I try to lay him down in his crib but he cries as soon as I get back into bed.

One thing that I believe and will never change no matter what anyone tells me, YOU CAN NOT HOLD A BABY TOO MUCH! I have no intention of trying to sleep train or any of that jazz at this point. That will come later when he is a toddler not a little baby who needs his Momma. I am fine with being a baby wearing Momma... I love it.

But my issue again is the SIDS thing. I can't remember but I honestly think I put my oldest to sleep on his tummy sometimes. SIDS was not discussed back then as much as it is now. Plus of course growing up that is how babies slept. I worry about having him in bed with me.

So many articles for and against cosleeping in the early days. Research supporting cosleeping even saying that it reduces the risks of SIDS. Research against cosleeping showing numbers that support a higher risk of SIDS.

It doesn't matter that I slept with my other boys and never once rolled over on them. It doesn't matter that I have been taking care of children for many years. I have no faith in myself. I couldn't save his brother, now how in the world will I be able to keep this one safe?

I fear there is a continued lack of sleep predicted in my future.


  1. Oh Paula. I really feel for you. I've struggled with many of these issues with both my living children, that horrible uncertainty and lack of faith. I hate that saying, mother knows best, because I didn't even know my own daughter was so ill. Hope you get some rest x

  2. oh Honey, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. It's so hard to trust again. I put all my babies to sleep on their tummies but I'm not sure if I'd be able to do it again. I hope that, as time passes, you will sleep again.
    love, Em

  3. I feel I will be the same as you and not sleeping. We watched Jack round the clock until his surgery, sleep was not an option and even though it wont be required that I watch Severus every minute, I think I will feel compelled to do so. I hope you do get some sleep soon.xo

  4. I am right here with you on this... I had very little confidence to start with after what happened to Seamus, and after all the issues that Hugo has had, what little I had has gone out the window.

    We had VERY similar issues with Hugo about sleeping - we would take it in shifts to cat nap, sitting up with him on our chests, because he WOULD NOT lie in his crib. Then, he was diagnosed with silent reflux, and suddenly his refusal to lie flat made sense. We have him sleeping on a special wedge now, and he goes into his bed easily. By the time we got this diagnosis however, I had grown as fond of him sleeping on me, as he was. I miss that. But like you, I fear SIDS too much to continue (plus, I HAVE to sleep properly at some point).

    I had wondered before Hugo arrived, how what happened would affect my parenting... I guess this is just one of many ways. it makes me sad though that our instincts are stifled because of the fear.

    And for what it's worth, I totally agree with you - hold your lovely baby as often and as much as you like. I have a sling that I carry Hugo about in as I love to have him close.