I am a mother; I have been for over 15 years. I have 2 living sons. I grew up taking care of other's children. Being the oldest girl on both sides of the family meant plenty of babysitting. I know children, I love babies. I feel comfortable around babies. Crying babies never bother me. I don't have a high stress level and I keep myself in check pretty well.
But now this time, well who is this person I have become? I feel lost within my own issues. I have no faith in me. My son died; there it is all in black and white, no high lighting needed. I cremated my child and now his ashes are in a box.
This fact that I live with every single moment of every single day has left me unsure, unwise, shaken... What happened to my confidence?
I love this sweet baby like I do his brothers. I love the way he smells, his sweet baby smell. I love to kiss his little nose and hold him close. I want to wrap him up within my shirt and hold him next to my heart for all eternity. But my love for him is not the issue.
I nursed his older brothers and I would have nursed Braedon as well, but instead I let my milk drip free in the shower as my tears flowed.
Each night I brought my older sons into bed with me while they nursed. I napped with them and held them close as I fed them. I felt confident in this choice. I loved waking up with their little warm bodies upon my chest or nestled against my side. They survived and thrived.
Now I fear SIDS and losing my son. I worry my milk production is not enough or when he chokes I worry it is too much. I worry that I am eating the wrong foods, not getting enough vitamins. I worry when he grunts and when he seems uncomfortable. I feel like all of this is my failures somehow.
I am so sleepy but the only way he will sleep at night is in my arms. The crib at this point seems a waste of money. So I feel guilty if I fall asleep with him, I cat nap mostly with my eyes half open. I try to lay him down in his crib but he cries as soon as I get back into bed.
One thing that I believe and will never change no matter what anyone tells me, YOU CAN NOT HOLD A BABY TOO MUCH! I have no intention of trying to sleep train or any of that jazz at this point. That will come later when he is a toddler not a little baby who needs his Momma. I am fine with being a baby wearing Momma... I love it.
But my issue again is the SIDS thing. I can't remember but I honestly think I put my oldest to sleep on his tummy sometimes. SIDS was not discussed back then as much as it is now. Plus of course growing up that is how babies slept. I worry about having him in bed with me.
So many articles for and against cosleeping in the early days. Research supporting cosleeping even saying that it reduces the risks of SIDS. Research against cosleeping showing numbers that support a higher risk of SIDS.
It doesn't matter that I slept with my other boys and never once rolled over on them. It doesn't matter that I have been taking care of children for many years. I have no faith in myself. I couldn't save his brother, now how in the world will I be able to keep this one safe?
I fear there is a continued lack of sleep predicted in my future.