Slightly bent

It isn't that I was not happy to be a Mother or that I did not enjoy my children but I wanted things a certain way. Toys went in the bedroom, art was hung on the side of the fridge, children's books went in children's rooms.

That is something Braedon gave me. For all the sadness.. something beautiful emerged. He gave me so much more appreciation for the little things. Tonight as I walked into my bathroom, the melting bubbles covered the bathtub and amongst the bubbles lay the cutest rubber duckies. And in that moment my heart floated there in my chest surrounded by the beauty of those bubbles and yellow smiling duckies.

I love the collection of socks that fall from the laundry baskets. Too tiny to fit any feet or so it seems but those socks fit just perfect on one little sweet boys feet. I love to see my children's shoes in the hall closet next to mine. Big brother added little man's shoes the other day and my heart felt overwhelmed by the perfection of it all. That is true beauty.

Family, love, messy kids, overflowing laundry and toys across the floor. Pieces of us all mixed together, a mixed up rainbow of emotions, laughter, heartache and happy plus sad.

I am slow these days to wipe the slobbery kisses off the glass. I know all to well those kisses will not last for long and how very lucky I am to have them at all. I look down when I am at work and see snot on my sleeve from a constant runny nose (little man is a snot factory) and I don't bother to wipe it off. I want to see those little signs of his existence. It is no longer gross to me.

I watched  my 9 year old ride his skateboard down a hill yesterday, it was scary and my heart stopped but it was thrilling and amazing at all at the same time. He was alive in the moment and because of his aliveness so was I.

I miss him every moment with every beat of my heart but I am alive and these children carry me on. Braedon showed me the beauty of life and I am so grateful for that. So very sad but so very happy.

How I wish things had gone a different way but what he left behind was a slightly bent family that seems to still be growing strong.

                               

" Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough

Just a second

We’re not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

It's in the stars

It's been written in the scars on our hearts

We're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again "

                             

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2labnRj0pmE

This song has been playing through my mind lately. The chorus seems to fit so well.